This past week, researchers at the Kingston Institute for the Sometimes Correct have issued warnings of the rapid population growth of guys who drink beer on roofs throughout the Queen’s student ghetto. According to the research team, data reaching as far back as 1996 has shown virtually zero net increase in the number of guys who think it’s super cool to get intoxicated while on top of a house. Only the past two years have shown a dramatic increase in the number of totally dope bros who like cracking open a brewski while 20 ft off the ground, going from “wow, that’s so cool” to “jeez, ya think that roof can hold all of them? Yeah same, that seems kinda cool but I’d be pretty worried for my own well being if I was up on that roof. Nobody asked for your opinion Kevin, railings aren’t fucking feasible.”
The student housing ecosystem faces real struggles in this population boom, placing huge stress on those above and below on the Queen’s food chain. “Our concern lies in both the predators and prey for these perched pals,” says Kermit McDermit, lead analyst for the institute, “Ladder committee, their only natural predator, are only a small group of engineering frosh so were not expecting them to curb this spike. Looking further down the chain, guys who play beer pong on their front lawn will likely be dominated by their shingle-dwelling competitors, taking their tables back inside where they have a ‘killer shot’ and just get piss drunk.” The warnings also include some unexpected changes in the ecosystem due to this population boom. “Due to their symbiotic relationships, don’t be surprised to see a growing number of shopping cart people grabbing the empties thrown from roofs, and expected guys with football occupying some prime space tossing those pig skins from house to house.”
Researchers have concluded that the most probable of causes of the increase would be the closing of the peer, the influx of frosh going out to clubs or the growing disparity between house quality and roof quality. If you come in contact with a swarm of these roof people or find that your home has an infestation, call your local exterminator or start ripping bowls on your porch and they’ll come down pretty quick for a toke.