If you live in residence, in shared student housing, at home with your parents, or ever have friends come into your room for any sort of activities, great! You’re probably loved by others. Do you love yourself though? If you do, you’ll probably want some sex toys; they are great – except you’ll have to store them properly. Without proper storage, sex toys may be dirtied, damaged, or stolen by your jealous and/or uncomfortable-because-they-are-jealous roommate.
Oh, if you don’t ever have people come to your room for any reason at all…I’m sorry. Please buy as many sex toys as you need because your own love is all you’ve got bro.
Here are some tips on how to store your sex toys:
- Store them with lube. I’m assuming you have lube with you, because lube pretty much always makes sexual activities better, especially with toys. You need the wet ingredients as well as the dry for baking, so why not for sexing? For maximized lubrication and convenience, pour your lube into a ziploc bag that is large enough to store your non-electronic sex toy, such as a dildo or butt plug. When you’re not using the toy, store it in the pre-lubed ziploc bag. This way, your toy is always readily lubed for you when you need it! Just make sure you don’t use silicone lube with your silicone toy unless you want a pile of goo next time you see your toy.
- For maximum discreteness and comfort, take a stuffed animal – anything bigger than your toy will do, but I recommend your favourite cuddling teddy from your childhood – cut a hole out of the butt of the toy, take out some stuffing to make room, and put your toy in there. Toys should love one another like a family, so your baby teddy deserves to be loved tenderly in the ass when you’re not.
- Put it on your desktop or nightstand as a centre piece. Take your favourite, most majestically shaped toy, and stand it right up in the middle of your display space. Be proud of what you love and what loves you! Besides, if the shape is right, it may double as a jewelry holder or something.
- Underneath your pillow or in your bed. This tip is for the lazy who don’t want to reach very far every night. If you don’t want your roommate to find your toys, this trick has the advantage of concealing the toys. Unless you have a relationship with your roommate where they regularly get into your bed and feel around. If that’s the case, you can simply tell your roommate that you store used, uncleaned (you’re lazy, remember) sex toys underneath your pillow or in your bed; that’ll stop them from using your bigger, more comfy bed when you’re gone to have sex with people they bring back, bastards. Make sure you tell them the toy is contaminated with unknown viruses to make them refrain from borrowing it in.
- In the dishwasher. Hey, if that’s the most convenient way for you to clean your toys, so be it. Keep them away from sharp objects such as forks and knives. Make sure they are on the top shelf so any residual gunk falls to the plates and bowls on the bottom.
- Bring it with you at all times. The benefits are self-explanatory. I recommend putting it in your lunch bag for discreteness and cleanliness. If anyone for some reason feels up your lunch bag and finds a dildo, say it’s a banana or cucumber.