The following is a transcription of the meetings from the last Golden Words General Meeting (GWGM) – pronounced “guh-wig-mEH” as is “good” “wig” <noise a cow makes>):
Whereas Sci ’18 completely fucked up their exams during the winter,
And Whereas engineering is a cooperative and helpful faculty
And Whereas Sci ’18 (though forever frosh) will soon have their own frosh
Sam “Sam, Sam the Ice-cream Man” Codrington moves to create a Frosh’s Guide to Exam Scheduling
Sydney “I swear I’m not a Leprechaun” Wilson: Eulered!
Chris “Why do I have to have an office hour?” de Sousa: Pied!
Veronica “I put the ‘i’ in CSiS” Riehl: Feigenbaumed!
Sam: You guys are all Golden!
All in favour say “ ARR ”
Motion passed at a vote of 3 ½ hippos, a campus squirrel and a Crazy Wise Person to one very-recently-ex-staffer of Golden Words.
After much deliberation, procrastination, dodging of responsibility and voluntelling other people to do it for us, Golden Words finally peer pressured one of our senior staff, Two and a Half Black Men, into taking the assignment of writing up a schedule. THBM promptly bullied one of our junior writers, Friend Without Benefits, into doing it for him, giving his lunch money and three meal equivs worth of Tim Horton’s with the threat of a nuclear Wedgie. FWB promptly cried to his mother, who wrote in to the editors who were confused someone’s mother was writing in to them stuck their fingers in their ears and formally redirected the complaint to the Ops Manager. The Ops Manager was caught up in the middle of a pressing task of inviting his crush out to the Harvest Dance, so didn’t see it until it was too late. Fortunately the teacher’s pet, the Biz Manager, had caught the message, literally, as it was thrown in a crumpled paper ball through at the back fo Op’s head. He promptly churned out an official response to FWB’s mother blaming the incident on youth culture and , who tore it up in a fit of rage, singlemindedly convinced her offspring was God’s gift to earth and could do no wrong (in her defense FWB was in no uncertain terms getting bullied, but she was being super annoying about it so no one wanted to put up with her anymore)
Finallly after what seemed like an eternity of squabbles and mean letters culminating in THBM using the bad word for butt and everyone getting scolded by FWB’s grandmother for not eating their vegetables, finally one anonymous Golden Words staffer wrote the following hile on a time out for eating his desert ahead of his dinner.
*Editors note: You guys are all a bunch of idiots. This is exactly the type of immaturity that made us not get extra funding last year. You morons didn’t even write Study Schedule on the top.
*Staffer’s note: You’re not the boss of us.
*Editor’s note: YES WE LITERALLY ARE