Handjob Officially Considered Torture Among Nation’s Grade Nine Students

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In a recent survey by the Faculty of Polling’s Middle School Division, the “Hand Job”, an indescribable act in which a female’s firm grasp and gyration causes a man to ejaculate, has been voted torturous by 9th graders across the nation. High schoolers across the nation have been increasingly busting knuckle children as a form of inducing pain on high school fuckboys. 
“Sometimes, if I’m feeling very gutty, I would rub my hands with sandpaper and immerse my hands in salt for three hours,” said KCVI student, Sally Peters. 
This form of torture is not a new trend, as handjobs have been used throughout history. In the French revolution, each offender would promptly and swiftly receive a Handy J before facing the guillotine. During the Spanish Inquisition, citizens would be forced to either confess their heritage or receive a hand job from a man with callouses. Even in the technological age, the CIA has developed prosthetic limbs to deliver the most painful, rigid hand job in history.
“I don’t get it, all I wanted to do is chill with Sally – maybe watch a movie and ask my mom to take us to Menchies if she’s back from book club. I mean, I wanted to maybe get some action, but I didn’t think I’d feel like my shaft was holding onto the rest of my body for dear life with the grips of Sally’s cold, calloused hands,” stated high school senior, Chad Chillston. “It was a traumatising experience, and I don’t think I can look at hands the same way.”
The Minister of Education and Minister of Internal Affairs both made the decision to add hand jobs to the list of torture after word of this epidemic had spread. “It’s time we nip this problem in the shaft,” says MPP, Frederick McGee. “I was a POW in Vietnam, and this is by far the worst thing I’ve seen in my life. It’s time we address this growing issue at face value.”
This historical decision has greatly appeased many of those who’ve had to endure such pain. However, many claim this is only a step in the right direction, and more has to be done. “Ideally,” said MPP McGee in a stern rage “we can also add girls who use too much teeth when giving blow jobs to the list, too.”
 

 

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