Handy Guide To (Cheating At) Board Games


So you’re starting to get tired of lying in bed all day watching Netflix instead of getting to know your floor/housemates, huh? Well, what are you waiting for, go be social! No, that’s not what I meant! Put those condoms down and listen, will you? You want to develop lasting friendships with these people, right? You’re going to have to try something a little more substantial. How about a movie night, or a friendly game of croquet, or… a board game! That’s the ticket! It’s the perfect activity for building trust with your new friends. That is, until you brutally betray them and proceed to grind their bones into dust under your boot before you hunt down their fami- what’s that? You don’t know which game to play? Well worry not, because this article is here to help you with that very dilemma.
An easy to teach game of global dice rolling that takes significantly less time to play than certain whiners would have you believe.
Do: Attack your roommate relentlessly to vent your frustration at their insistence on leaving their used Styrofoam containers from Lazy all over the floor. Be “that guy” who camps out in Australia for the whole game. Steal extra Risk cards when nobody’s looking.
Don’t: Be fooled by that hot nursing student from down the hall’s puppy dog eyes when she begs you not to invade Central America and break her continent. Bonus: nobody has ever gotten laid by being nice while playing a board game, and I guarantee you won’t be the first.
Settlers of Catan:
A game of placing little wooden houses in an attempt to colonize the uncharted island of Catan. Extremely popular among the passive aggressive.
Do:  Block your opponents’ roads at all costs. Yes, even the nurse from down the hall. Feel free to make hilariously lame wood jokes at every opportunity e.g. “Does anyone have wood? ‘Cause I sure do!” Nobody finds these funny, but they’ll throw your opponents off their game. Of course, steal extra resource cards when nobody’s looking.
Don’t: Play with an aboriginal studies major. If you do, be prepared for concerned looks and complaints of the “unfair treatment of Catan’s indigenous population” (That’s right Joyce, you’re officially uninvited from tomorrow’s game).
Do I really have to explain this one?
Do: Agree to be the banker. Your friends will thank you for it, and it makes stealing hundreds from the till about ten times easier.    
Don’t: Play with Commerce students. No matter how good you get at embezzling money, they will always be better.