Harry Potter and the Accurate Movie-By-Movie Summary


The Philosopher’s/Sorcerer’s Stone (depending on wherever the fuck you’re from)

The one where they’re cute and young and Neville’s chubby as hell. Sorry, chubby as bloody* hell. They go to school, fight trolls and play chess. So, like me in grade school, except they’re heroes in the end and I just came out as a fuck. Anyways, the three protagonists, Hairy, Hullabalooiene and Reagan, became friends and fucked shit up.

The Chamber of Secrets

In this one they find a snake in a chamber of secrets ifyouknowwhatimean;););) Hairminee becomes a cat, and gets petrified and yah just a lot of shit happens to her. A ghost flirts with Hurry, and he learns a language!  ”Sssssarrashhassseeendnuudessssah.” So jon and him fight the snake and kill a journalist. No wait. No. just a journal. Tom Marvolo Riddle = I Am Lord Voldemort. BUT think about this. It also means Dim Mad Vlor Looter. Mind==blown.

Prisoner of Azkaban

The prisoner is herry’s dogfather (pun intended). The prisoner’s harry dogson (double pun) travels through time with hairmineep and they punch the blonde boy and save the bird. That’s about it. Oh, and the knightbus at the beginning was pretty lit.

Goblet of Fire

NOBODY cuts their hair. Twilight dies and Voldemort undies, so it evens out. Umm, tricolour cup turns into quadcolour cup. Update on Neville: handsomeness begins to progress. This film is filled with action packed games, and challenges, and harold almost dies like 12 times then doesn’t dive for the cup when he had his chance. But, yknow, plot.

Order of the Phoenix

This is where the movies kinda get dark and sad and all that. The prisoner of arkansas, the dogfather of herold dies so rip. The girl from fight club did it so that kinda sucks but I heard Sirius broke rules 1 and 2 so he had it coming. The government finally sees Voldemort is alive so haree’s like HA.

Half-Blood Prince

ITS SNAPE. just btw. This film really focuses on relationships and all that which is odd, but im glad that while Voldemort is planning on killing everyone and doing bad things, the main characters are getting laid! So hype! Truly happy for them. Gandalf’s twin falls off the eye of Sauron cuz the blonde boy gets help from severus. Rip merlin. Oh yah, and hurrah-potah gets high af.

The Deathly Hallows

NO the deathly hallows are NOT the horcruxes. They are what ron burgundy and hryy poitta call their genitals. Its quite cute. But weird. Neville is a god now, like honestly so hot no one ever expected it. The final battle is so hype but snape gets killed by a snake and it turns out hes not actually a snake. Rip snape. I cried.

10/10 would watch 100 times over again.