Have Millenials Killed Happiness?


I’m sure you know the feeling.  Disappointment seeping into every crevice and orifice of your insignificant existence.  The key here is…millennials killed happiness. Just like fast food, the Amazon, and human rights, happiness has now been effectively murdered.  And in its place, there is disappointment and anguish. YAY 2019! The year of wanting to crawl into a hole and nap until the apocalypse has passed. 

Let’s review the facts:

  1.     University breeds disappointment.  See, in high school you fluttered through with success and high grades, only to be absolutely OBLITERATED by your first university midterm. Freaking out in the basement of Jeffrey hall?  Totally blank on all of Freud’s philosophies? How about getting lost on your way there? Like fuck mate you didn’t even find Nicol 400. Now, how is this relevant? Well, in 2019, you pretty much have to go to university or college or you’re labelled the WORLD’S BIGGEST LOSER, and you probably spend all of your money on weed…or alcohol, to drown out the noise. 

See now? University = inevitable disappointment.  But not going to university? Also equals inevitable disappointment and also no job.  

  1.     Nobody wants monogamous relationships anymore.  Like, does anything fuel disappointment more than not being good enough for literally anybody?  Nobody can settle on having sex with a single person anymore. In 2019, a dick is never big enough and an ass is never phat enough.  The media wants to show off “real bodies” but they’re still perfect as hell and make you feel like shit when you look in the mirror. In addition to this, rampant accessibility to porn is ruining everybody’s chance of finding love, because no one’s game is as good as porn game.  Actually, the internet is just ruining love lives left and right… Dating apps are practically just platforms for setting up booty calls.

Tinder = thirsty people that only want you for sexual favours.  Nobody will ever love you, and you will forever be a disappointment to yourself and your grandmother (“So, when are you going to settle down, sweetheart?”  The answer? NEVER GRANDMA… but of course you grimace and lie because you wouldn’t want to, I don’t know, DISAPPOINT your grandmother?). And on top of that, do millennials even get married anymore?  Statistically, not really, so, hello disappointed grandmothers literally everywhere. 

  1.     Cooking is no longer simple.  If you can’t make a dish that would impress Gordon Ramsey, you fucked up.  You have to be a MasterChef or your cooking is a disappointment. And who can even afford groceries anymore? Plus, climate change is destined to kill off the favourite foods of all millenials: chocolate and avocados.  Hell, even the universe is disappointed in you. Every time you try to follow a beautiful recipe you found on Buzzfeed it goes completely to shit, but you’re expected to “be an adult” and “eat a balanced diet” when all you can afford in this godforsaken economy is a loaf of Wonderbread and some off-brand mac-and-cheese.  You can always order food, but then your bank account is disappointed in you.

Cooking = disappointment.  UberEats and Skip = burning hole in your wallet and subsequent disappointment.  Not cooking = not eating = inevitable death.

So, now that the facts have been laid down, I dare you to convince me that millennials have not, in fact, killed happiness.  You can’t. You absolutely cannot because they have absolutely, brutally murdered happiness for everyone, and all we have now is disappointment.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go wallow in shame. 

Skulduggery Peasant