To whoever is reading this, please send help. I’m trapped in a Home Depot and I have no clue how to get out of here. I’m writing this on the spotty wifi from the attached Subway that is somewhere near the front. Anyways here’s my story; and if I don’t make it, delete my browser history in memoriam.
My housemates sent me on a mission, to obtain various household items to finally get everything settled in our house. As I approached the Johnson and Division bus stop, I noticed it was 4pm and I needed to motor if I wanted to get all of my stuff before it closed. As i stepped onto the air-conditioned 701, I sighed in relief from my escape of the humidity in Kingston. It was 35 minutes after 4 and I had breached the entrance; I was in. Now it was only a matter of gathering the supplies and catching the next bus. This was no small feat. I’ve never gone to Home Depot alone, ever. And the only other time was when I was 7 and accidentally did a number 2 in one of the display toilets while my parents weren’t looking. Anyways I was looking for LED light strips; to illuminate my room that my landlord refuses to install any lights in, Chains; for my housemate’s undisclosed fetish, a fan; because I don’t have air-conditioning, batteries; for another housemate’s undisclosed fetish, and a garbage can; to throw away my hopes and dreams in. I was startled out of my trance by a voice from the intercom who announced that there was one hour until the store closed. Okay, I needed to focus I need to get everything on my list. As I passed the paint aisle, I repeated the list in my head over and over, until I came upon the tool aisle. Holy shit! The 2018 Makita power tool lineup was out. That #007694 blue caught my eye, but the baby powder white reeled me in. I needed the full kit; a power drill, a hammer drill, impact drill, handheld orbital sander, angle grinder, jigsaw, circular saw, and flashlight. It was perfect, but it also would cost me 3 months worth of rent. I mean with all of the tools I could probably build another house to live in but whatever. As I was drooling over all of the tools and wrestling with this life changing dilemma, I was alarmed by the intercom, there was only 15 minutes until closing. I grabbed the tool set and set to work. I put in my earbuds and put on my jazzercise playlist. While perusing one of the infinite amount of aisles this store has, everything went dark. “Stayin Alive” was not comforting to me in the slightest and it turns out my playlist had me so focused that I didn’t realize it was 30 minutes after closing. I turned on my phone’s light and tried to come to my senses. I had no clue where I was in the store or how to get out of there. I had 69% battery life left and had to ration my it, the water in my bottle that was ¾ full, and a pack of gum. I eventually settled on sleeping in the shelving like one of those 24 hour fort challenges on youtube.
I awoke with a blanket of bubble wrap covering my shivering body and packing peanuts stuck in my ears. It was 7:30am and the lights had just come on. As I emerged from the box, I checked my phone to see no new messages; like usual. I walked to the end of the aisle and froze, there it was a door, an escape. I dashed to the sliding doors, and blissfully breathed in the cold morning air. I was out, I made it! Wait a minute this wasn’t the outdoors. I could feel the wind on my face but there was a translucent ceiling above me. In the distance 20 ft bars spaced at even intervals stretched as far as the eye could see. It was a fence; I fell to my knees and belted out NOOOOO!!!!!!! I was in the garden section. But now how do I get out of here? I was lost in an even smaller section of the store. I wandered around aimlessly for hours looking at mulch, discounted plants and garden soil. Who knew there are at least 10 different types of soil just for flower beds. As I followed the shelving units I eventually happened upon the door that I came through and finally made it out.
I covered my eyes to shield them from the glaring beam of light that was a sudden shock to my cornea. I was in the lighting section and severely dehydrated. I had 5 pieces of gum left, ¼ of a bottle of water, and my battery was nearing 42%. Like a man stranded in the desert for days, I weakly dragged my lifeless body through aisle upon aisle of fluorescent and LED bulbs beating down upon my dry cracked skin (I have eczema ok, leave me alone). I grabbed my LED light strip. I had finally found one item on my list. As I looked down at my phone, the clock had struck noon. I was on the hunt for a fan before the day was out. I finally flagged down an employee who referred me to aisle 6, I was in aisle 32. Would I survive the journey? Would my legacy be remembered? What kind of food did I have left in my mini fridge at home that I could warm up? By 2pm I had navigated through the maze of ladders, tape measurers and xacto knives and happened to find a garbage can along the way. I grabbed the fan in aisle 6 and made my way to the end of the corridor. I only needed batteries and some chain. As I wandered across the store a beautiful scent filled my nostrils, fresh cut wood. 2×4’s and plywood stacked floor to ceiling. Acrylic sheets were nicely stacked alphabetically by company name and then by corresponding thickness, like a well organized book collection. I saw an employee and tried to flag them down but she couldn’t hear me over the saw she was using to trim some guys wood paneling. Again, on my own, I set out on my quest to finish my shopping list. A vibration in my pocket told me my phone was on low battery, only 20% remained. I found the chain in the rope aisle and debated tying a noose. I was almost done; I only needed to get the batteries. I was overcome with joy, I was almost done my journey, when; like clockwork I was faced with the blackness of the lights being turned off for the day. Just like in the engineering standards exam, time happened to have moved at an unrealistic rate. I navigated back to my make-shift bed from the previous night and promptly fell asleep.
I was startled awake by an employee who promptly told me I was a dumbass for sleeping in a box overnight, when I could have slept on an actual bed in the furniture aisle. I requested humble guidance to find some AAA’s and he directed me to aisle 53. On my way I finished the last of my water and gum. As I passed aisle 52 I pondered on how I would eventually leave this impenetrable fortress. I reached for the pack of batteries but I stumbled and fell to the ground. I layed on my back with no energy to move, I hadn’t eaten in 3 days. Facing the ceiling I managed to write this story and as my battery is about to die I prepare for myself for the slip into the next life. This is the end.