The first snowfall of the year is here, and that means you’re going to have to make some changes to your daily routines. I know change can be difficult for most of you. Changing out of this onesie is difficult for me but fortunately, I don’t have any responsibilities so I can just sit here in the coziest of all outfits.
First thing’s first, you may have thought waking up and getting out of bed was easy at the start of the year, or hard… I don’t actually know you specifically. I mean, you could be a morning person or you could like to sleep in. I’m just a writer, you do whatever makes your little tricolour heart happiest. Just know that it’s now going to be far harder to get out of bed when you know you have to face the cold gusts of winter slashing at any exposed skin you may have, which there’s actually a lot of if you happen to be a rocket walking to Stages on a Saturday night.
Chances are, unless you have a meal plan, you’re probably not even eating food on a regular basis. Your diet most likely consists of sliced bread, Tylenol, and alcohol. Winter can be a long haul though, so you need to look to your squirrel brethren for survival tips. If you haven’t done this already, start storing food all around your house and campus. There’s no situation in which having something to eat is a negative. Furthermore, you need to bulk up. Nothing keeps you quite as warm as a thick layer of viscous blubber bolstering your inner organs. The added posterior “insulation” also makes all chairs more comfortable. Fact.
Hopefully you possessed the forethought at the start of the year to realize that it’s going to get colder and that you’ll probably need clothes other than shorts and t-shirts. If you didn’t, then your bank account is about to become more vacuous and empty than your ex-girlfriends heart. Layers are key to staying comfortable in the wide array of temperatures you’ll face while on campus. They also become a huge bitch when you have to squish 6 sweaters into the narrow space between your legs and the seat in front of you in whatever lecture hall you may be in.
There is no amount of snow in Kingston that will make wearing Sorel’s okay. They look like you found two adorable sea otters and rammed your feet into their mouths and proceeded to walk around in them. Having said that, if you’re in the Arctic and it’s -40 degrees, then you rock the shit out of those boots.
Finally, and possibly most importantly, this weather is going to severely affect your ability to hook up with someone. The fact is, not that many people want to trudge through snow to go out when they could just sit in bed and sing along to Frozen. Plus, if you do manage to find someone to go home with, you’re going to be sniffling and freezing when you get to their house. You can keep your icy hands and snowjobs to yourself, I’m putting on my fucking onesie. The easiest option here is to find someone with similar tastes in movies and ask them out. Once they’re locked in, you can have sex and enjoy packing in that blubber as a team, all without ever having to leave your bed.
Good luck you bright-eyed young wonders. Queen’s only loses 20-30 students a year to hypothermic shock, and with these tips, you’ll most likely not be one of them. Oh and to all managers of QP: GET YOUR FUCKING CHRISTMAS DRINK MENU OUT. IT’S SNOWING FOR FUCK’S SAKE.