Honest [Holiday] Movie Reviews


[HOLIDAY] movies are a seasonal scam that have been crafted to manipulate children into believing that there is an omnipresent eye that judges and rewards morality who we later need to explain to them never existed… Wait there’s a metaphor here somewhere… That being said, let me shit on your childhood for a second! #WarOn[HOLIDAY]2015
Love Actually – Bilbo Baggins in a porno! Rick Grimes gets friend zoned! Snape is still the worst! Colin Firth struggles through a language barrier that doesn’t earn him an Oscar! Hugh Grant and Billy Bob Thornton are somehow believable politicians!
The Santa Clause – This is what happens when Hollywood takes a pun and stretches it out into a 5 hour trilogy.
The Nightmare Before [HOLIDAY] – The film that’s single-handedly responsible for keeping Hot Topic in business for the past decade, all the while being attributed to Tim Burton inaccurately.
National Lampoon’s [HOLIDAY] Vacation – Aww the good old days when we were blissfully ignorant of how horrible Chevy Chase is as a human being.
Home Alone – Aw man what happened, Macaulay? The more this list goes on, the more it’s bumming me out with how menial the careers of the stars it produces are… Maybe this is the reverse of when horror movies use relatively unknown actors who later end up in critically acclaimed work. Fun fact: Wet Bandits is the name of my erotic arsonist gang.
A [HOLIDAY] Carol – I’m talking about the one from the 30s, and the CGI Jim Carrey one, and fuck it let’s throw in any incarnation of Scrooge, from Bill Murray to the McDuck variety. This is absolutely what Dickens wanted when he penned his criticism of the economic and social classism of the Victorian era – a commercial hit that perpetuates capitalistic market habits. The one exception being A Muppet [HOLIDAY] Carol because the Muppets are always the exception.
Eight Crazy Nights – From a gentile POV, it’s a pretty great use of Adam Sandler.
Fred Claus – Is there a conspiracy to reuse the same actors for [HOLIDAY] movies? What about Vince Vaughan’s sack of Play-Doh frame suggests Christian charity? See him also in Four [HOLIDAYS] and Tim Allen in The Santa Clause and [HOLIDAY] with the Kranks.
Eyes Wide Shut – Actually watching the disintegration of a marriage between two famous sociopaths mirrors my personal family holidays. Also we go in pretty hard for masked religious orgies – love ya grandma!
Batman Returns – I know it’s a stretch to claim that movies that aren’t specifically about [HOLIDAY] are [HOLIDAY] movies because they take place near [HOLIDAY], like think of Die Hard and Harry Potter. But you know what, Batman Returns not only paints a very nuanced picture of how Bruce Wayne spends his [HOLIDAY] but how Danny DeVito being raised by zoo penguins produced the greatest if not lamest feral child. All the while being attributed to Tim Burton not nearly enough.
A [HOLIDAY] Story – The fetishization of an inanimate object that resembles a female body part. Hey GNDS, this should provide you with enough material to maybe have enough credits to graduate with a major?  
It’s a Wonderful Life – After a very limited poll taken in our offices, I can state that no one has seen this movie although it’s pretty much at the top of all “Top [HOLIDAY] Movies” listicles. However it’s so ingrained into [HOLIDAY] culture that I could tell you the plot despite having never seen it, like The Godfather of [HOLIDAY]. Have you seen this movie? Email us with your lies at eds@goldewords.net
Elf – Perfection and not a subjective opinion held by volunteer staff writer that misses her mom right now and just wants to buy into this manufactured holiday because life is hard and cynicism is becoming hacky and unoriginal.