Aries: March 21 – April 19
You’ve been ramming too hard for too long. You can’t stay horny forever. Impotence is on its way.
Brontosaurus: April 20 – May 20
After a brief battle with dieting, you were largely unsuccessful. Did I mention large? We all know you eat your feelings, and this time, you have too many feelings. Long story short, you’re going to wake up disoriented, with a sickly combination of mustard and chocolate smeared on your face and about 10-15 lbs heavier.
Gemini: May 21 – June 20
You know the next midterm you’ll be getting back… It isn’t a typo, you just sucked. If you want to fix it, you’re going to have to find that TA and do the opposite of suck. Blow my friend, blow.
Cancer: June 21 – July 22
It was just Breast Cancer Awareness Month, by now you should be aware that you have it.
Leo: July 23 – August 22
Your laptop is going to die, and the IT people are going to laugh maniacally at you. The price set for fixing it: your soul.
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
You’re developing an allergy to latex. A gnarly, rashy breakout is on its way and despite your best efforts, that shit won’t be covered up.
Libra: September 23 – October 22
You will meet a tall dark stranger, but be warned… this will be the last person you ever meet. They will abduct you and infect you with Ebola for their own twisted pleasure. You almost deserve it too. You should have seen it coming, that van was pretty sketchy and I even warned you.
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
You’re going to buried alive and the struggle will be real. Red solo cups are surprisingly heavy when enough are piled up on top of you.
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
You will die alone in the cold dark with only voracious squirrels to comfort you. As your last breath leaves your body the squirrels will consume you, starting with your face.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
You know that Halloween hook-up that you’re trying to forget about… They are going to track you down (despite that fake name and number) and publicly humiliate you. It won’t be any small feat.
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
Your housemates found out that you’re a Furry, and they are going to blackmail you until that fun furry costume in the back of your closet won’t give you anymore pleasure.
Pisces: February 19 – March 20
Your Goldfish are going to be stolen. No matter what you do, whatever measures you take to guard them, they will be stolen. The only one that’s going to be smiling back is the thief.