Aries March 21- April 19

The sun is out and your doom is impending. You only had one day of class left and you fucked it up. Time to say goodbye. How tragic it is to almost finish something and then fail terribly. Like you in bed last night… That was just embarrassing. I mean, come on!

Taurus April 20-May 20

Your face makes people angry. Work on that.

Gemini May 21-June 20

I don’t know how to break this to you lightly, but… You’ve been sleep walking, and walking might not be the most accurate term. You start skipping through the halls and alternate humming jump rope themes and talking about finding your dolly. You seem happy, so that’s good, but yeah… It fuckin’ creeps me out.

Cancer June 21-July 22

Is your plan b in place? No, I’m not talking about the oops condom broke day after drug. I’m talking about when this school thing doesn’t work out. When you become a stripper. My omniscience has led me to believe that your most successful name will be: Destiny Passionthighs or Jiggly Booty among your friends. Think on it.

Leo July 23-August 22

Leo, my man, my lion, my lady, my however you identify! So I got some news. You owe me five bucks. I didn’t forget. I want it back. Please drop off by noon tomorrow or I’m sending the dogs.

Virgo August 23-September 22

As the position of Mercury changes this week, your element bond grows. Urges to play in the dirt and potentially mud wrestle increase. A desire to switch into geo or earth sciences may appear but you must not heed this desire. Recall your true passion is to simply watch the Earth burn.

Libra September 23-October 22

As the year comes to a close, I remind you to fucking clean up your shit before you leave for the summer. I’ve dealt with it all year, and I can’t take it anymore you messy, messy pig. The floor in your room is growing. It’s just not right.

Scorpio October 23-November 21

Do it. I dare you. The fork wants to go there.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21

I want a number 5, number 81 with pork and a 116, and … I want you.

Capricorn December 22-January 19

You can’t rap worth shit. I know you already know that, but I just wanted to rub it in. Also, you smell a little like goat. And you look like one too!

Aquarius January 20-February 18

You are so needy. Can’t make your own decisions so you come whining to me and wondering about how to live your life. I’m feeling altruistic, so here you go. Spend the next while trying to lick your elbow then write haiku apologies to all the people you’ve ever bothered. (This might take a while).

Pisces February 19-March 20

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish… you smell like all those things.