Horoscopes for 2015: Your resolutions and how well you will follow them


Aries: March 21 – April 19

You slept in on Christmas day, and your little brother took stole your new iPhone 6 which was supposed to be YOUR present. In a rage you decided you’d never sleep in again this year. By mid-January you’d have dropped two of your four enrolled courses, officially leaving you no more morning classes. Naturally your resolution falls apart immediately.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

This is the first year you spent your own earnings on Christmas presents for your parents. You’ve made the resolution to love your parents more than ever. But your dad is unemployed and decides to buy a piece of land in God-knows-where, Nova scotia, and become a hermit. Your parents divorce. Your mom decides to come live with you in your little student house. Well, your resolution is half successful!

Gemini: May 21 – June 20

Being the most creative resolution maker ever, you decide to go to the gym every other day this year. On the third day you forget if you have gone to the gym or not the day before, and you give up.

Cancer: June 21 – July 22

You broke an arm while bouldering on January 2nd with your significant other. You need a cast for 6 months. You made the resolution to graduate on timew despite being unable to type on a vomputer for the semester. You end up passing with straight Ds, and all the markd you’ve lost are due to typos in your reports.

Leo: July 23 – August 22

On New Years Eve, you came to the daunting realization that you’ve never even kissed anyone yet. Ever! You immediately called up some friends – 90% of which did not answer because they were furiously making out with their girlfriends and boyfriends – and in a panic asked for advice on how to get a significant other. Your single friends told you to fuck off as they are collecting New Years Event loots on their video game. You give up and cry. In the rhythmic sobbing, you miraculously achieved multiple orgasms!

Virgo: August 23 – September 22

This is the third year in a row that you’ve spent $8 on the Lotto every week, a habit you started when you turned 18. You decide that if by your 22nd birthday you still haven’t won a dime, you will quit this game. On August 20th, you won $5. Should you continue?

Libra: September 23 – October 22

Over the break you went to your second uncle’s farm. You played with some sheep and happily came back in time for a fresh pot of lamb soup – so fresh that you could tell from the chopped-off head on the kitchen floor that the lamb in the soup was dear Sammy. Of course, you only realized this after you had completely and chemically bonded with dear Sammy’s meat in your stomach. You threw up, and from that point onward, you’re a vegan now. That lasts a whole three months until you realize you can’t eat anything with your student budget, and you give up while feeling disgusted with yourself.

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21

This winter, you went to Dubai for warmth. You got bitten by a wild scorpion in the desert, and gained the superpower of manipulating spacetime via gravity. Because that’s totally how it works, according to Interstellar; gravity controls spacetime, not the other way around, or something completely relativistic.

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21

You’ve already used up your meal plan in first semester. Now how are you gonna feed yourself? You asked your parents for the propane stove they got from your grandparents’ Christmas gift exchange. You’re gonna learn to cook! That is all before you set off the fire alarm in your residence building – a real fire! – in March. Now you’re expelled from rez. You sneak into the basement of the almost-constructed residence building at night to take shelter. Oh well, at least you have your gas stove to keep you warm while you sleep….April 1st: you die of carbon monoxide poisoning.

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19

You’ve gotten hooked on not one but two online mobile games. On December 28th you decided that you’d quit both games…okay, maybe you can keep Clash of Clans. Wait, maybe keeping Puzzles and Dragons is better. Oh well, you can decide on December 31st. But on December 30th, both games started a new round of promotions: now you only need 1 gem per boost until January 7! I guess you can start your New Year’s resolutions on January 8th….

Aquarius: January 20 – February 18

You’ve been working at Golden Words for four years now – that’s longer than most students have been at Queen’s! You’ve been a copy-editor, writer, editor, senior staff writer, and now you do cartoons and graphics. Don’t you think you should make your new year’s resolution “doing Photoshop faster so I can finish making this back cover in less than 5 hours and actually help Hattie out with other things”?

Pisces: February 19 – March 20

You think New Year’s resolutions are stupid. Instead, you opted for “new week resolutions”, each week consisting of a different combination of a drug and a sex activity. This plan proves to be extremely fun and inspirational for your fine arts career, and you have the best year of your life.