Horoscopes: YOU ARE BORING! Get a life and become one of these more exciting “scopes”. Like…
Microscopes: you will develop the ability to see things too small to see with the naked eye. The insight you will gain by gazing into this fascinating, minute world will forever change your lease on life. Smells will be more vivid. Colours will smell better. You will gain an appreciation for all that is alive on God’s green Earth.
Telescopes: The opposite of microscopes, you will now be able to see objects in the distance, just like in The Who’s “I Can See For Miles”. That is, until you realize that after the death of beloved but troubled drummer Keith Moon will usher in a decade of uncertainty in the 80s, before ‘retiring’ for a decade and a half. Your reunion at the dawn of the new millenium will revitalize your career, before bassist John Entwistle dies of a cocaine overdose. A couple more tours, an episode of The Simpsons and an ill-fated Super Bowl appearance later and you come to realize that you are just a couple of withered old men that are relics from another time. But, hey, at least you’ll always have “Who’s Next”.
Periscopes: Arrgh, down the hatch maties! Ye best be prepared to go deep, deep down into the depths of the raging seas, where there’s nothing separating you from the crushing ocean pressure but a small steel hull and 25 sweaty, butch Seamen. Say “ahoy!” to a life at sea as you swab the decks, sing sea shanties and fire torpedoes at your enemies, often shirtless or straight up butt-naked. The boys won’t care. Hell, they’ll probably join ya. Phew, all that work sure can make a man sweaty. Better jump in the shower with the rest of the fellas. “Last one in’s a rotten egg!” you’ll squeal gleefully, maybe enduring a good ol’ towel spanking or two. But its all in good fun. Don’t worry about that silly little erection – its totally normal. Just maybe don’t show your girlfriend this horoscope.
Quick-scopes: Your lifestyle is not for noobs. You have to bang about 30 mothers before you can fully reach your potential. We suggest hanging around Grizzly Grill to achieve this. You need to spend more time gaming, and less on school work and extra-curriculars. You do not want to be the laughing stock of your little brother’s 6th grade class.
Isotopes: You are the stable one in the relationship. You need to stop taking peoples shit and react on your own.
Classic Tropes: you are a lovable, familiar recurring element of drama. Sometimes you are comedic – like a good old-fashioned falling down the stairs gag or a catchphrase like “that’s what she said!” or “Dy-no-mite!”. Sometimes you are dramatic – like a kiss in the rain in “The Notebook” or dressing up as your dead mother and murdering guests that come to your quaint motel just off the interstate, as seen in Alfred Hitchcock’s classic film “Gone With the Wind”.
Sagittarius: This week is all about you. Treat yourself to a nice film in cinemascope.