Fairies: March 21-April 19

Your light hearted and bubbly nature is way too intense for me. All you do is prance around and sing Disney songs at me. We’re not fucking animated, stop acting like it.

Taurus: April 20-May 20

Taurus, Taurus, Taurus… Just don’t. You know your plan for Friday night. Yeah… no. Just no. This is never going to have a good result. It’s not worth it.

Gemini: May 21-June 20

You will fly this week. Don’t question how, just know that it is the truth. You’ve always been miles ahead of the crowd, now you will be miles above it too! I have no insight to how you will land, but hopefully it will be on your feet.

Cancer: June 21-July 22

A leprechaun is going to caress your third eye and as you try to escape a vat of purple jello is going to be upended above your head. As you stumble around dazed, confused, and blinded a third grader is going to kick you in the shins. As you stumble in pain, a squirrel will try to seduce you by licking the jello off of you. You may or may not wake up at this point.

Leo: July 23-August 22

You are going to develop a strong passion for do-it-yourself upholstery. This passion will become all encompassing. Your desire for food, water, and sex will diminish until all you can think about is upholstery. When you close your eyes, you will see a sea of textiles and various furniture waiting for your touch.

Virgin: August 23-September 22

Your chance is really getting close now. You can finally lose that virginity. Don’t worry that you don’t have a date for Valentines. It isn’t essential, but start getting your body prepped and primed. Don’t squander that upcoming night of single desperation.

Libra: September 23 – October 22

You are well-rounded. I’m suspicious and so is everyone else. If witch burning becomes a thing again, you’ll be the first to go.

Scorpio: October 23-November 21

This week is going to be uneventful, as most of your weeks are. It will start routinely: no one liking your Facebook status, falling up the stairs in a public space, and awkwardly spilling something on your crotch. Fortunately, your favourite ice cream will be on sale which will come in handy when your parents tell you the bad news… Sorry, no spoilers.

Spaghettius: November 22-December 21

You have been born under the sign of spaghetti. Leadership was thrust upon you at a young age and you must answer this call now. Take to the streets and preach. Tell them your spaghetti dreams, praise be to the many kinds of sauces and the versatility of that fine noodle.

Capricorn: December 22-January 19

In an episode of blind, anxiety related, rage you will burn every single sock you own only to discover that your housemates had been slowly stealing all of your left socks as a prank. Upon this discovery you will attempt to burn the house down. This isn’t preventable.

Aquarius: January 20-February 18

Stop fuckin’ complaining about the weather all the time. Nobody cares about your ears being cold. They are no more important than anyone elses. Just get a hat already or earmuffs. You’re technically an adult now. Learn to dress yourself!

Pisces of Pizza : February 19-March 20

With a nice layer of melty cheese and a little pepperoni, you are the dream.