Hottest New Escape Room, The United States of America, Opening January 20th


After a controversial year filled with many ups and downs, an extremely fun new trend emerged to take our mind off of the senseless deaths in Hollywood, and the tragedies in places like Aleppo: escape rooms. For the uninitiated, escape rooms are fun experiences where a group of people are locked in a room, and must solve a series of puzzles to finally open the door and escape the room, while under a strict time limit. Escape rooms have quickly gained traction as a quick way to see your friends without any further social commitment! All you need is the 50 minutes in the room, and then you can easily part ways both convinced that you still hang out. In light of the recent presidential elections in the US, the entirety of the country was recently declared the most thrilling and high-stakes escape room of them all, marketed towards the ethnic minority populations.

The escape room will feature riveting elements such as: Threatening border guards, Mexican drug lords, health care costs that will riddle you with debt, an exploitative and sensationalist Media, the sad husk of the once mighty Detroit, and Crooked Hillary! Perhaps the most impressive feature of the escape room is the size of the room. With 9.834 million km² of land, it could take months to finally escape the room by foot. Willing participants will start in the backwoods of Little Rock, Arkansas, and have to make their way across either border to successfully escape. Lucky participants of Latino heritage may find their escape expedited by a coalition of local police and Trump supporters.

Local Kingston escape room game master, Jonas, met with us to discuss this unprecedented development in the escape room industry. “It’s unprecedented,” he said, “Especially within the escape room industry.” He continued, “Most escape rooms are 50 minutes – this one has to be longer, or else everyone would probably lose.” After this remarkable insight, Jonas left to put the finishing touches on his own escape room, Earth.

The escape room has already attracted attention from television producers, looking to adapt the concept into a TV show. Tentatively called Weststates the plot will focus on the unravelling of American democracy, the rise of fake news, and other extremely relevant issues. Ariana Venti, an expert on the United States electoral college and teambuilding activities, noted that such an escape room is both “unprecedented” and “unpresidented.” As this hot new attraction grow, Golden Words will be sure to keep our readers in the loop.