Hey Alison, I’m just heading out right now. Oh you want to talk? Yeah no, I got your messages on Facebook but I was side-tracked with… school? Okay, okay ten minutes sounds good. So should we wait for Jenn and Maddie? Is this a house meeting, because its kinda weird if it’s just the two of us.
I don’t really know what this is about if I’m being completely honest. I’ve been really good about taking the garbage out, and if I could candid for a second, it seems as though I’m the only here that cares about separating the recyclables. Does our environmental integrity mean nothing to you? Does the well-being of Gaia come without cost?!
I’m sorry, I’m good now, I’m good. Wait. Is this about last night? Really? Wow. I’m not laughing! I’m just shocked that you would even bring it up. It’s not a big deal, that’s why! You knew things would get out of hand, it was Homecoming after all and we totally talked about this before. I had sex! So what?! I’m young and beautiful and consenting!
Yeah okay, I fucked your dad. I still don’t see why you’re so upset. Hey, hey now, that sounds like slut-shaming and I expect more from a volunteer AMS Deputy HR Officer.
Excuse me?! How about the time you made out with my ex at Taylor’s pre? I don’t think just because he’s your dad you suddenly have exclusive rights to who he can or can’t sleep with.
He has an AUTHENTIC dad bod. Do you know how hard that is to come by in our age bracket? It’s the type of body that only years of mild alcoholism and a steadfast belief that your metabolism is still the same as it was when you were 21 and playing varsity lacrosse.
Honestly, I thought you’d be happy for us. You how hard the divorce was on both him and Cheryl. What? Yeah, I mean I talk to your mom on occasion. She’s a really good listener! And I’m just surprised we were able to make it work as friends after our “beneficial” relationship last summer.
If it bothers you so much, maybe it would better if we talked about whether or not we should renew our lease. I know it would put you guys in a bind to find another housemate, but I’m feeling vulnerable in this very toxic environment. No worries, I have a place lined up for next year. Who with? Uh, Bobby. I guess Robert if you must be formal about it.
Listen Allison, there’s no beating around the bush, I’m moving in with your dad and there’s nothing you can do about it. I know it’s all moving so fast, but it just feels right, y’know? Initially, he was compelling to me because I saw his Sci ‘94 crest and I was overwhelmed by Tricolour duty to make sure our alumni had no issue coming, home. But soon it evolved into something all-encompassing.
As my friend, ex-housemate, and future daughter-in-law, all I ask is for your blessing. And you owe me $15 for last month’s internet bill.