How I Became a Conspiracy Theorist


Whenever I read about conspiracy theories, I am just further convinced that evolution is not real since it seems we are all still as dumb as apes and have made no evolutionary progress. For one, who spends their time promoting conspiracy theories instead of doing something infinitely more useful like judging people who curl less than you at the ARC.

Prior to my research sesh for this Pulitzer Prize winning article, I was utterly convinced that conspiracy theories were so fucking stupid. Like, who could ever believe that your groceries are funding terrorism. Obviously your money is going to the workers like Hugh, the nice cashier who wants to send his kids to school in shoes other than third generation crocs. You go Hugh, we’re all rooting for your kid’s fun fresh fashionable footwear.

The ones I really don’t understand are the ones where it’s in dispute about whether someone is alive or not. How could it be in dispute that Elvis Presley is still alive?? He was born in 1935, that would make him like 96 years old, which is utterly impossible. Even if I believed in evolution, that’s still too old. And Michael Jackson being alive, how could that be possible I watched his funeral after my grade 6 graduation. Tbh it kinda ruined the mood of my pool party.

Since I’m not a fat middle-aged man in Idaho (my dad says it’s a pretty close call though), I don’t keep up with all the fun and relevant theories out there. You have the classic ones like the flat earth, the fake moon landings, evolution or the Princess Diana ‘murder’. Then you have my favourites which include Robert Kardashian and Ted Cruz being the same person and the one about Queen Elizabeth being a cannibal. BUT THEN, I started to realize most of these things present some actually valid points!!. Like did you ever notice how much ol’ R Kardash and Teddy Cruz resemble each other.

And the flat earth society, they present some really valid scientific evidence. They relaunched in 2009, they have a web site (cool!), a mini museum at the Flat Earth Outpost cafe and they even have flat earth literature. Since I know nothing about evaluating sources, it all seems pretty legit to me. I’ll probably approach a prof at some point about doing my master’s on this in a few years.

What I’ve learned from this enlightening journey is to keep my mind open to new ideas and never turn down explanations. Like when I was convinced my landlord is actually my biological dad. I’m really hoping that one’s true since I think I might get a discount on my rent. He might also stop peering into our windows randomly at night since if he was my dad, he would be invited in!