How Queens Bands Would LIKE To Spend Their Student Fees


After the Journal sent the Queen’s Bands a request for 300 words on how they spend their student fees, Golden Words’ excellent investigative journalism staff [citation needed] decided they’d ask members of the bands how they would LIKE the fees to be spent. Unfortunately, Golden Words, much like the Journal, doesn’t actually have good journalists. So without further ado, this is what we’ve made up.

Cheerleaders: The Cheerleaders are a simple breed, when asked [citation needed] what they would spend the tens of thousands of dollars on, they were quick to answer. Condoms. Then after some slight deliberation, they decided that they would buy controlling share of the SHRC. “The SHRC would really give us something to cheer about,” they didn’t say.

Brass: Scotch. The Brass Band has a long history dating back to 1905, and for 109 years, the Brass Band has had a proud tradition of keep up with all of the Scottish traditions. Which, as all bandsies know, means shaking your fist at the Brits, eating an abhorrent mixture of meats shoved into a sheep’s stomach, and then drinking so much scotch that you see the official national animal of Scotland, the Unicorn.

Highland Dancers: While from the outside the Highland dancers look like kind, gentle, wonderful people, deep down the Dancers have had enough of your shit. After dozens of parades with men (and sometimes women) of all ages attempting to look up their kilts, there’s one thing the Highland dancers really want. Swords. The highland dancers will fuck you up.

Bagpipers: More bagpipes. There’s not enough bagpipes. In fact, that’s pretty much their answer to any question. “Hey, how’s your day going?” “Need more bagpipes, not enough bagpipes.” “What did you have for dinner?” “Bagpipes, not enough bagpipes.” “Why are you so fucking weird?” “Bagpipes.”

Drums: The drum corps was definitely the least confident in their answer. The drum core is a happy bunch, give them a beer and something that they can hit that makes loud noises, and they’ll die as happy men. In the end, they settled on buying new tiger skins for the bands, a keg, and some new drum sticks. The drums are some fucking chill people.

Colour Guard: The colour guard are the fearless flag bearers for the bands, and they have lead the bands from the Saint Patrick’s Day Parade in Boston to the Calgary Stampede. The thing that the colour guard really wants though, is more pointy tips on their flag sticks. After dozens of problems with people getting in the way of the bands as they march in parades, the colour guard has requested every year that they could replace their flag sticks with spears for the purpose of “crowd control”. Come to think of it, it seems like a lot of the Bands is actually really violent….