How Queen’s Should Invest Their Assets


According to the 2013-2014 financial statement, Queen’s has approximately 84 million dollars in assets under the “Cash” heading. That’s enough cash to buy 56 million costco hot dogs, or 36,521 pounds of weed. If resold at $10 per gram, that’s $165,656,470, or an increase of nearly 200%. Of course, it is far more complicated than that. It would require distributors at various levels as well as security. It would require willing clients, and providers who will have access to to 36,521 pounds of weed.

Of course, it is not as if the University has the 84 million just sitting around in a vault guarded by bears and white-privileged guards plagued by an institutionally racist past. That would be unreasonable. Realistically, an upper limit of 20 percent of the cash assets could be rerouted into taking over the Kingston Weed Market (amounting to a measly 16.8 million). Since it’s entirely illegal (adding to the risk of this investment) it is difficult to get market value estimates, but I think it’s fair to say that Kingston isn’t moving too much more than 16.8 million dollars worth of weed annually, so some of this may have to be divested into the cocaine, MDMA, and magic mushroom markets. If we were to assume that all 16.8 million is spent on weed, then 7304 pounds of weed can be sold for 33 million dollars. All figures are assumed to be per year.

Here’s where the profits come in. Since many of the new Queen’s products have clientele in-house, some wages (eg, for Professors, TAs, Researchers) could be paid directly in drugs at the street-value equivalency. If we assume an average of 1 percent of every employee’s income is spent on weed, (salaries and benefits cost the school 434.4 million in 2014), and if we assume a 200 percent mark-up, this will save the school 2 million dollars while staff enjoy a 4.3 million value. Further, approximately 4.3 million dollars of the 16.8 million dollars will be already gone.

Assuming that the 25,000 students combined with the local population consume the remaining 5434 pounds, and accounting for distribution markups being taken by those greedy little bastards, a projected revenue could reasonably be expected to get to 20 million, resulting in a 4 million dollar return on investment per year. This will pay itself off in approximately 4 years, and the network will continue to be profitable after a high initial cost.

But we can increase this mark-up a little more, by reducing the material costs. MDMA can be produced in-house by the chemical engineering department and swept under the rug by listing the expenses under the existing budget. Unfortunately it is the only one that can be produced in house, but then distribution can be done in house. Especially in philosophy, the open distribution of marijuana would be more efficient than current practices. There is a further expectation that satisfaction with degrees will increase.