Every Gael and Alum liked Hoco a lot…
But the Grinch
Who lived just north of Princess,
The Grinch hated Hoco! The whole Hoco season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be he hated to hear the Gaels cheer.
It could be he hated the taste of cheap beer.
But I think the most likely reason by far
Is that in 2005 some kids flipped and burned his car.
Whatever the reason
The noise or the car,
He stood there before Hoco, hating Gaels and their PBR.
Staring down from his porch with a sour, Grinchy frown
At the inebriated Gaels galavanting around town.
For every Gael in the land and on campus down south,
Was busy now pouring booze into their mouth.
“And they’re ordering kegs!” he snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow is Hoco! It’s practically here!”
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming.
“I MUST find some way to stop Hoco from coming!”
Tomorrow he knew…
All the Queen’s ladies, and all of the lads
Would be up bright and early to drink with their dads!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
That’s the one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Gaels, young and old, regardless of age.
Would go to Aberdeen and they’d rage! And they’d rage!
And they’d RAGE!
They’d rage on rooftops, and rage in the streets
Which was something the Grinch couldn’t stand in the least!
They’d do something
He liked least of all!
All the Gaels down on campus, every girl and every guy,
Would link their arms, kick their feet, and sing the Oil Thigh!
They’d sing! And they’d sing!
And they’d ask “WHAT’S THE SPORT OF KINGS!?”
And the more the Grinch thought of the song the Gaels sing
The more the Grinch thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”
“Why for 175 years I’ve put up with this now!”
“I must stop Hoco from coming!”
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“All I need is a jacket..”
The Grinch looked around.
But, since jackets are sacred, there were none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch…?
No! The Grinch simply said,
“If I can’t find a Queen’s jacket, I’ll make one instead!”
So he bought a cheap jacket, and then nice and slow
Sewed on a year crest that he’d bought at Quick Sew.
“I know just what to do!” The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he added some jacket bars onto his coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Grinchy trick!”
“With this Queen’s jacket and bars, I look just like those dicks!”
Then the Grinch grabbed his phone
And Ubered on down
Towards the homes where the Gaels
Lay passed out in the town.
He loaded some bags
Some old empty sacks
Into the trunk of the car
While the Gaels all relaxed
All the windows were dark, all the Queen’s flags unfurled.
And all the Queen’s boys were tindering all the Queen’s girls.
When he came to the first little house up on Earl.
“This is stop number one,” the Grinchy Gael imposter hissed
And walked to the porch, empty bags in his fist.
He opened the door, which was not locked at all.
The Gaels weren’t worried about their alcohol .
The smell was revolting, for a moment or two.
But the Grinch pressed on, knowing just what to do.
Then he saw three bottles on the table in a row.
“This vodka,” he grinned, “is the first thing to go!”
And he Slithered and slunk, with a smile truly awful.
And he took every can, every shot glass, and bottle.
Labatts, Steamwhistle, Corona, and Carling.
Molson, and Busch, all of Queen’s fizzy darlings.
Then he stuffed them in bags, and being angry to his core.
Slung the booze over his shoulder, and waltzed out the door.
Then he slunk to the backyard. He took the Gael’s kegs!
He took all their pancake mix! He took all their eggs!
He cleaned out their stockpile as quick as a flash!
Why, in addition to the beer he even stole their last gram of hash.
He gathered up what he’d taken, his soul full of glee.
“And now” grinned the Grinch “this pong table is coming with me!”
And the Grinch grabbed the table, and started to lift.
When he heard a small sound that was sweet like a gift.
He turned around fast and thought, “Oh my gosh”
It was little Becky Johnson, who was just a small frosh.
The jig might be up, foiled by this young nighttime rover.
But she just needed gatorade, to prevent a hangover.
She stared at the Grinch and said, “Hey man, why,
Why are you taking our pong table? WHY?”
But you know that old Grinch was a pretty huge dick
He thought up some bullshit, and he thought it up quick.
“Naive little frosh” the fake student lied
“There’s a leg on this table that’s too short on one side”
“So I’m taking it back to the ILC my dear.
I’ll fix it up there, then I’ll bring it back here.”
And the fib fooled the frosh. Then he patted her head.
And he gave her some gatorade, and sent her to bed.
And when Becky went back to bed with her cup,
He grabbed onto the table and lifted it up
And the last thing he took
Was the couch from out front.
Then he dashed off and away the old Grinchy runt.
He was pleased with the meanness of his big Hoco stunt.
And the only booze
that he left in the house,
Was a drop of whiskey too small to fuck up a mouse.
He did the same thing
to the other Gael’s houses
Not enough booze
For anyone’s Mouses
It was quarter past dawn…
All the Gaels still passed out,
Those sniveling, car flipping, booze swilling louts.
When he packed up the uber,
Packed it with bottles! With tables! With Kegs!
Packed with cups! And pancakes! And eggs!
Then not far away, on the edge of the pier.
He got ready to make all the booze disappear.
“Pooh-Pooh to the Gaels!” he was Grinch-ish-ly humming.
“They’re finding out now that Hoco isn’t coming!”
“They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!”
“They’ll be too hungover for a minute or two”
“Then the Gaels in The Ghetto will all cry BOO-HOO!”
“That’s a noise”, grinned the Grinch,
“That I must simply hear!”
So he paused. And the Grinch put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound coming from The Ghetto.
It started out low, then it started to grow…
But the sound wasn’t sad!
It was fun!
It couldn’t be so!
It sounded very fun!
He stared down at the ghetto!
The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
All the Gaels in the ghetto, the girls and the guys.
Were standing in groups and singing oil thighs
He HADN’t stopped Hoco from coming.
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Grinch with his Grinch feet stood on the pier.
Stood puzzling and puzzling “It’s the same every year!”
“It came without vodka, it came without bongs!”
“It came without cheap beer, whiskey, or pong!”
And he thought for three hours, ‘till brain was quite sore.
“What if Hoco”, he thought, “doesn’t come from the beer store”
“Maybe Hoco…perhaps…means a little bit more!”
And what happened then…?
Well…at Queen’s they say,
That the Grinch’s weak liver
grew three sizes that day!
And the moment his liver didn’t feel quite so bad,
He rushed to the ghetto to drink with the dads.
He brought back their liquor,
Pong tables and eggs.
And the Grinch…
The Grinch tapped the first keg!