How to Apply your University Degree to Low-Level Service Jobs


It’s no secret that it is a bad time to be graduating and looking for a job. Today’s market simply has too many applicants for not enough positions. While it’s been a joke for many years that Arts students will never find jobs in their field, in fact many graduates in other faculties are having an equally hard time. Even the previously-secure industries of Oil & Gas are no longer sure-bets for employment.

Therefore, it seems more and more students will be turning to the service industry to make ends meet. So in this issue, Golden Words presents some tips for using your university skill-set in the service industry.

Sitting in DEVS lectures is great prep for working customer service.

If you just spent the last four years trying to distill useful, meaningful phrases from hours of meaningless and ill-informed ramblings being talked at you, you’re a perfect fit for the customer service industry. People in this line of work have to deliver clear, succinct answers to difficult and often nonsensical inquiries. Also required is the ability to keep a cool head while slowly learning about the horrors that befall the people of the world.

A civil engineering degree can make you the instant voice of (hated) authority on a construction site.

One good thing about the job landscape today is that construction never seems to go away. The population is increasing exponentially, so they need homes to live in, offices to work in, and Pits to Pita in. And while there are only so many people that can design buildings, we always need people to build them. That’s where you come in. All the knowledge about structural integrity you picked up in civil will go a long way on the job site. Your degree will give you instant precedent to speak up over the others and put your knowledge forward. As well, lunch break with the boys will be a great chance for you to rehash some old university stories, such as “you should hear the one about the night I drank so much I fell asleep in the washing machine” or “man, you guys remember APSC 112? Everyone said all that physics would be so hard but I thought it was a breeze.” Soon enough, you’ll be promoted to foreman, giving an official title to your arrogance and giving the other workers one more reason to hate your guts.

Segue easily from chemistry to a fry cook position at a fast-food franchise

If there’s one thing the fast food industry has taught us over the years is that, with the perfect recipe and the right know-how, chemicals can be fucking delicious. Now, of course you could argue that, on a fundamental level, everything is made of chemicals. The difference with fast food is that they skip the middleman and don’t even bother harvesting their food from pre-assembled collections of chemical processes (plants and animals). Your chemistry degree will put you a step ahead of the competition as you not only be easily able to synthesize the ideal, addicting pleasure-burger in under 5 minutes; but also whip up some handy amphetamines to keep your shift going during the graveyard shift.

A degree in commerce will you give you the edge in the competitive prostitution game

The world’s oldest profession isn’t disappearing anytime soon and, in the words of Slick Peppa Jack, it’s never been a better time to become a hoe. Or a moe (male-hoe). With a background in business, marketing, and economics, you can determine the most lucrative price on a cut of that fine ass of yours. As well, in a slick suit you’ll be able to stand out from the crowd and turn the red-light district into piles of green. If you choose the pimping route, your shrewd negotiation tactics your learned in commerce will make sure your hoes will be around for years to come.