How to be a Disney Princess

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A night of childhood reminiscence and a significant amount of hard alcohol lead me to a now firm belief that everyone’s deepest desire is to be a Disney Princess. So here are a few things you can do to accomplish your unknown lifelong dream:
1. Pick a Princess – Try and choose within your own bodily limitations. There won’t be any crazy evil witches to do some body modification so you can get your man. For instance, if you are small, white, and have access to wigs or hair-dye you can be almost any princess you want.
2. Pick a Pet – All decent Disney princesses have an adorable and intelligent animal sidekick to tell their secrets to. Although it mostly Disney’s attempt to make exposition entertaining to kids, every proper princess has a perfect pet. I would suggest picking something domestic, a racoon may have been cute for Pocahontas, but a real life racoon would almost undoubtedly try and scratch your eyes out and give you rabies in the process. Princesses don’t often have rabies.
3. Pick a Prince – All proper Princesses have a Prince. While as a normal girl you might be inclined to date someone you’ve slowly developed a crush on and grown to love, this is not the way of a princess. Princesses only believe in love at first sight. My suggestion is to find a busy street, close your eyes, spin around, and point. Whoever you land on (being that it is best if it is an attractive male) you are now obligated to fall madly in love with and do everything in your power to marry him. Your life’s worth is now only measured by whether you marry this man or not.
These are really the only steps to being a Proper Disney Princess, there really isn’t much to them. Good luck and be the best princess you can be.

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