So it happened. Your long distance relationship finally ended with the love of your life back home. You thought your love blazed bright, she thought your fire was a few inches shy of big enough. You feel like shit, but we hear at Golden Words are looking out for you buddy. So if you feel like your heart just got punched in the dick we invite you to follow this guide to make you feel like you punched a dick in the gut.
Step 1: Get Blisteringly Drunk. It may seem like an odd way to start things off, but did any good story start with drinking a bunch of orange juice? And this isn’t going to be a good story so much as a timeless epic to your resurgence into singledom. So you gotta get so wasted it isn’t sad it’s impressive. When they wheel you in to the hospital, the doctor isn’t going to be saying “Not this again” she’s gonna be gasping “I’ve never seen anything like this before”. This step isn’t going to make you feel better, this is the first step in the tough love you need.
Step 2: Listen to the album Help! by the Beatles This is still part of the tough love. The Beatles may be critically acclaimed, but my God they haven’t aged well. I mean once you get past the admittedly awesome eponymous opener, it’s kind of a slog through some of their greatest work in the 60s. God, who am I kidding, this isn’t tough love, this is tough not to love.
Step 3: Slump Buster This is tough love I swear. You gotta hit up the bars and find someone, literally anyone who’s giving you the eye then take them home and have the worst sex of your life. Some weird shit is going to go down. Your tongue is going to taste like pennies for a week. You might gag a little at the mention of the word “avocado”. You’re going to urinate slightly whenever you hear someone speak in a French accent. It’s all part of the process.
Step 4: Listen to the album Help! again I swear it gets better the more you pay attention to it. When you listen to it in sequence you really see the heartbreak in John’s voice. It’s OK man, we all need somebody, not just anybody. God, I see why Rolling Stone loves these guys.
Step 5: Be Inspired. Ok you’ve gotten through the bad days. You’ve been brought to your lowest point but now it’s time to look yourself in the mirror and realize you are worth it. You have skills, you have talents, you’re fantastic at ________ (You’ll have to fill in the blanks, I don’t know you).
Step 6: Work on your dream to become a Poet Laureat You’re fantastic at poetry I forgot, that’s what it was. Alright well now it’s time to hit the books. You gotta define yourself outside the toxic, shitty relationship. If you’re going to get over this thing, you’ve gotta spend some nights by yourself, pouring your emotions out into the purest expression of language. Then when your personal anthology is finally complete you’re gonna send that shit right to the poet laureate’s office.
Step 7: Settle for being the secretary of the Poet Laureate He liked your shit. Kind of. He specifically liked the proficiency at which you lick stamps and hey he’s a bit of a narcissist and likes the idea of having a secretary that worships him. There are perks to the job: you have a solid dental plan. Ok, maybe you’re not living the dream but you’re at least you’re getting paid by the dude he is!
Step 8: Assassinate the Poet Laureate Little known fact but whomever kills the current Poet Laureate takes his place. They’re kind of like Sith Lords that way.
Step 9: Smoothly transition from Poet Laureate into Global Rap Phenomenon after taking one Toastmasters class You’ll be the spectacle the world never saw coming. You’ll drop verses so hot they literally burn fire. They’ll sizzle with philosophy but expertly spiced with streetwise verse that makes kids dance, babies swear and old men cry. Your stage name is gonna be Numba One because 1) you are the most important person in your personal universe and 2) you speak with such a lingering grace that your thundering verses have slipped the silken restraints of being bothered to give a flying shit about spellcheck
Step 10: Give Help! a re-listen Cannot stress this enough most underrated thing the Beatles ever did. They weren’t afraid to get real on that tape man. “Yesterday” might not have A Day in the Life’s vision or Don’t Let Me Down’s raw vigour but it makes up for that in pure honest feeling.
Step 11: Sample “Yesterday” in your newest single It tanks. The kids think you’re washed up. No one appreciates early 1965 Beatles the way you do. Your record label may think that your venture was a failure, but you’ll always be proud of your commitment to artistic integrity.
Step 12: Shit why did I start this list? Oh right, so in the process of getting over your stupid ex you started and crashed a multiplatinum rap career and better yet got to listen to Help! at least 3 times. So stop moping, telling yourself that “I’m more than my relationship status” every morning, start listening to Help! in it’s entirety a few more times (really can’t stress that enough) and never ever give up on your dream of assassinating becoming the Poet Laureate.