Wowie, a whole four months have passed by since the last time you cried over linear algebra and consequently ate three tubs of cherry garcia ice cream! After the summer of a lifetime, all you’re left with is a collection of stale bread balls, a new-found taste for jägermeister and a total of eight watched seasons of How I Met Your Mother (it goes downhill around season six in my opinion, the ninth is just unwatchable). Getting back into the rhythm of waking up before noon and going to bed before 3:00 AM has been pretty rough, and you’re once again realizing the wonders of coffee and advil – mix ‘em together, and a squirt of lime and you’ve got a “Morning Glory-hole”!
What’s been most soul crushing about this whole transition? Having to sit through your friends talk about their super important summer jobs and internships. One friend interned at a cancer research clinic thingy, another worked for parliament or some crap like that and all you did was develop low-grade arthritis. Sick and tired of explaining your averageness to all those keener friends of yours? I’ve got a few tips on how to pretend you actually did something this past summer.
Details are overrated
Nobody really cares all that much about the finer aspect of your “work at the sperm bank” (although they definitely should), so don’t give some in-depth, powerpoint, peer reviewed explanation of how you handle over 3,000 cups of future people. Forget about mentioning some time you accidentally spilled over four quarts of the fun stuff and definitely don’t waste your breath describing how the place only accepted people who enjoy live jazz. Keep it easy, breezy and sneezy! In the emergency situation that some dick starts to poke holes in your story, toss one of your trusty smoke bombs on the ground and escape in a haze of totally safe chemical fumes. They’ll never see it coming!
It’s not about consistency, it’s about winning.
Chances are if you give the same “interned at an engineering firm” schtick fifty times over, maybe ten people are actually going to be impressed. Think about that girl who worked for a yoga studio and developed her chi – were you really all that intimidated by her spiritual awakening? Do ya think she’d give two shits about your legitimate but fake work experience? Now think about how’d she feel if you spent two months finding yourself in a Nepalese youth hostel. See what I mean? The trick here is to cater your story to the audience, and prove to them that you achieved their goals more than they did. Try throwing in a meeting with Trudeau or that guy who repped Subway for a while with those big pants and then got arrested if you really want to make ‘em jealous!
I get it, you’ve got to impress that one hottie with some story about saving a kid from drowning or winning $50 cause some guy bet that you couldn’t fit your entire fist in your mouth. The truth is, it’s not so much the story as it is the confidence – if you can really sell them on the importance of your work as an ice cream scooper, it wouldn’t matter that you gained 15 pounds on gold medal ribbon alone (been there, no regrets). You’ll still be able to assert your dominance, through the power of storytelling and jamoca almond fudge.