We’ve all been there: have an exam you aren’t prepared for? Have a person interested in spearing the bearded clam with you? Got too drunk on a certain holiday and now the police are looking for you for questioning but fortunately you use a pseudonym so they can never actually figure out your true identity and must rely solely on anonymous tips to have any chance of finding you? Yep, super common situations for everyone here. Here are your only options for escaping these situations with your dignity:
Fake your death – It’s important to start off strong. Faking your death guarantees no one will ask you to come out to their shitty charity bake sales or show up at a court date. I know what you’re thinking, “ToNick, I have a facebook account, a twitter account, an instagram account, a buzzfeed subscription, a husband, 3 children, and a phone that actively tracks my position anywhere on Earth. How can I possibly escape without anyone noticing?!” It’s simple! You need to find someone who looks vaguely like you. You then need to plant all of your personal belonging on the person. Next, and this is possibly the most important step: you must cover them in thermite.1 That shit burns in excess of 4000°F. That’s almost the same temperature as the surface of the Sun. A Sun which you’ll coincidentally be getting tons of for the rest of your life in Cabo.
Pretend you are gay…or not – There’s nothing worse than being aggressively hit on when you’re not feeling it. It’s not our fault we have the ass of a Greek God and the hair of a majestic lion. If you feel that attraction should be left to the magnets in a 4th grade science class, then you look that person right in their seductive eyes and you tell them: Whatever gender you I identify as, I am only attracted to the opposite gender. Genders are kind of like blood types, if you meet a pan gender (type AB – universal receiver) individual, you’re pretty much fucked. Your only option here is to exclaim that you are a-sexual and immediately start fucking yourself.2
Hire a personal servant to handle all of your affairs – Why go through the pain of real life when you can use a lacky to do all of your dirty work and just enjoy the sweet rewards of life. Take that Calculus II. Stephen is brilliant or totally won’t be beaten by your bullshit triple integration questions. Who the fuck needs to know the volume of an irregular cone-like shape?! No one, that’s who! And for those nights where you come home with one more person than you would’ve liked, you can perform the ol’ switch-a-roo! Let Stephen pleasure your lady friend while you put on a fake moustache and enjoy a peaceful nights sleep! If you have issue with that concept, Christian Bale and his twin did this in The Prestige and no one said shit.
Be an adult and tell the truth – What the fuck? No, never admit to anything. Call a lawyer right now and remember: “If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit!”
1 Golden Words does not condone nor recommend attempting murder 😉
2 Golden Words does not mean any offence to members of any gender. We love everyone.3
3 Except for any of you fuckers who didn’t vote to give us our measly student fee. FUCK YOU SPECIFICALLY. Peace and Love.