How To Find Your Virginity



It’s 2016 and you’re shuffling your hands through your pockets, looking under the sofa cushions and checking all your drawers but you just can’t seem to find your virginity! You had it yesterday and you swear you put it back where you got it but it’s nowhere to be found. Let’s change that, because virginity is important and your parents are gonna be pissed if they find out you lost it under their roof. First let’s retrace our steps, list out everything you’ve done since you’ve had it last and go to all those locations. You went to the community pool yesterday? Check the changeroom. Had one too many drinks at the public house last night? Call the bartender that was on-shift and ask if anyone turned in a virginity. Had a super secret intergalactic space orgy on the planet Ogdon in Space Sector SR-388? Take a private SpaceX rocket to the outer regions of the solar system, then meet Klaxxon of the Ygdill clan who will take you to SR-388. When you finally get there, go to the orgatorium and ask Dave if anyone has turned in a virginity. Now usually he has a bunch, so make sure you look through them to make sure you get the right one. The last thing you want is to take someone else’s virginity by accident… Wait, something’s not right. Dave is taking longer than he usually does to sift through last night’s virginities – and he’s sweating. You dart your eyes around quickly and notice moving shadows approaching from the adjacent corridor…


You grab the space pistol from Dave’s pocket and start sprinting towards the stain glass window that overlooks the orgatorium, but as soon as your legs start moving, your face hits the ground. As your eyes start closing, you see a burly Ygdillan man standing over you. He looks familiar, but you can’t place it. You’re getting tired and your ribs hurt…It’s time to sleep.


You regain consciousness but you can’t see anything. Did you go blind? Suddenly the light hits and it feels like wasps stinging your eyes. As your pupils dilate and your retina adjusts, you realize where you are. Ogdonian prison. You swore you’d never end up here again. All you wanted was to find your virginity, but it seems you’re gonna have to find a bit more about yourself in order to get out of this mess. The door swings open and that familiar figure comes waltzing in. Klaxxon – you knew it. He slams his beefy fists on the flimsy plastic desk and nearly breaks it. He’s demanding something from you but you can’t quite make out what he’s saying. Is he saying masculinity? Or maybe it’s vulnerability? Then it hits you – virginity. How does Klaxxon know you’re trying to find your virginity?! You tell him you’ve been trying to find it too and he looks surprised. He mutters something under his breath but it was barely audible. Then he stares at you, right into you for what feels like an eternity. While entranced by his whimsical eyes you hear a click and your hands feel different. The handcuffs were unlocked! But why? What’s going on?

Klaxxon grabs your arms and yanks you out of the chair. It felt like he was gonna rip them out of their sockets. He tells you there isn’t much time and keeps muttering under his breath. He cradles you like a baby in order to run through the complex quicker. For some reason you feel safe in his burly arms, but you still don’t know if you can trust him.


Before you know it, you and Klaxxon are in a hoverspeeder traveling on the space highway. He explains to you that your virginity wasn’t lost. It was stolen by the Ogdonian leader Cyrilis in order to fuel the takeover of Earth. It all makes sense, you knew always knew you were meant for something more. Your whole life, your parents would tell you to hold onto your virginity and you let them down. But not this time. This time you’re getting it back and showing them you can fend for yourself.


The hoverspeeder stops and you catch your first glance of the Ogdonian stronghold. Your heart starts beating faster and faster. It feels like it’s going to explode. Klaxxon grabs your hand, looks you in the eyes and tells you not to worry. Your heart rate goes back to normal and you step inside. Once inside the massive fortress, Cyrilis appears out of nowhere, his massive stature and ghostly figure freezes you in place . With a swipe of his right arm Klaxxon gets thrown into a massive pillar that crumbles on top of him. You want to scream out and cry but you can’t, you have to be strong for him. Cyrilis moves towards you. You try to move but you can’t get your feet to work. At this point, Cyrilis’s face is pretty much pressed against yours. You ask him why he stole your virginity and he responds, “I didn’t steal it from you! You GAVE IT TO ME!!’. You can’t believe what you hear, it’s not possible! Why would you want to destroy all of your loved ones? Suddenly you feel your feet getting wet, you look down and notice a pool of blood forming. You check your body but find no wounds. Who could it be – KLAXXON!! You rush over and push the rubble aside but it’s too late. Klaxxon is no more. Everyone you’ve ever known is no more. Cyrilis looks right into your mind’s eye and shows you what’s happening on Earth. Chaos, death, destruction and you caused this. You’ve failed the human race – your brethren. Cyrilis puts his arms around you and embraces you. ‘This is who you are now’, he says softly. The camera starts zooming out. You never found your virginity. And you never will.


‘He’ll do quite well’.

Your eyes open for the first time. You’re not sure whats happening. What are these things standing over you? What are these noises coming from their mouth holes? You try yelling out but all you can do is cry. A tall ghostly figure picks you up and gives you something. It seems important but you can’t read. ‘Shhh go to sleep…’

Next thing you know two humanoid forms are above you in an all white room. You’re holding onto an object and your parents put it in the pocket of your onesie. ‘Son, you have to protect this with your life, you have to protect your VIRGINITY’. You’ll never be able to protect it, or even your parents. Your crying get louder but your mother puts a pacifier in your mouth to shut you up. The camera pans up to a calendar – it’s 2016. Your parents are also crying, but not out of happiness. They look at each other and try to keep smiling. You put your hands in your pocket to hold onto your virginity but you can’t find it.