Has this ever happened to you? You’ve come back from a 2 week bender to find cocaine smeared all over the countless pizza boxes; you can’t see the floor from all the empties laying around and there’s a dead stripper in your bathroom. Suddenly there’s a knock at the door: it’s the cops with a search warrant. Well… shit, this blows. But you know what really blows? Frosh; Frosh Blow Goats, and that is exactly your ticket out of here.
So if you’ve recently committed some serious crimes this article is for you. Essentially if you haven’t already realized the single best method of getting out of literally any crime is to blame it on a frosh.
A basic entry level crime that anyone can commit by mistake or on purpose is tax evasion. Here’s a scenario; you moved out, and officially cut off all ties with your family. You changed your address on your health card and you’ve officially changed your “Current City” on facebook to Kingston. Great, good job kid the world is your oyster, knock ‘em dead. Nothing can get in your way now except tax season. It’s already the end of April and you haven’t done your taxes yet. Mommy and Daddy always figured that out for you but here you are with a T4. So you either did one of three things:
A: You threw out the form because your unhealthy coping habits require you to immediately get rid of anything that causes the tiniest bit of anxiety.
B: You managed to submit your forms but you may or may not have fudged the deductibles, like your charitable donation of cupcakes… to yourself. Also you probably didn’t spend $2000 this year on textbooks – or maybe you did, those things cost a lot of money.
C: you just completely blew it and you’re harboring all of your Grandpa’s inheritance in Panama.
Here’s what you do: find a commerce frosh and get them to sign an NDA. Basically thats it, when the feds come knockin’ the frosh will do the talkin’. Haha did you like that lame pun i just pulled out of my ass?
Ok so that tool Blake who lives in the Frat across the street has been keeping you up every night with his parties, and he stole your girlfriend. Well guess what Blake, I really like your Porche that Daddy bought you. So long story short a joy ride ended in a shady backdoor deal North of Princess and you now have an unaccounted 50k. For help with keeping this money refer to the earlier sections of this article. Anyways you find yourself in cuffs after numb nuts forgot to remove the VIN on the window. Grand theft auto is no walk in the park, but that’s exactly where you go. After you get out on bail go to Vic park, grab the first frosh you see and convince them they’ll get into Blake’s frat as a pledge if they take the heat for the 911 GT3 RS you just sold. Any frosh giddy enough to belong to something bigger than themselves that also provides free alcohol will gladly accept. Blake will immediately blame the frosh when they come forward and ask to be a pledge and you get off scot free.
You have some fucked up fetishes and pornhub just isn’t cutting it anymore. But good thing you met Farmer Joe on www.farmersonly.com and he allowed you to make the sexi time with billy, his goat. Great SUCCess. Well guess what Farmer Joe is actually a narc and he’s taking you in. Easy Peasy, you didn’t do it only a frosh could, because only frosh blow goats.
Well now you know, blame anything that displeases you or incriminates you on frosh. Besides they can just get out of it by saying they were peer pressured and say they were a minor at the time.