How to Get Over Ex-Lovers


In my 20 years, I’ve had many romantic relationships.  While the majority of them have been imaginary, that doesn’t mean the end was any easier.  That guy that asked me where the washroom was, well we dated for 6 months before he turkey dumped me.  The guy that smiled at me in Stauffer, he called off our engagement 2 weeks before the wedding.  That guy from Walkhome, we really shared something real before he ended it after our 10 minute walk.  My personal experiences have given me much insight into the top ways to get over ex-lovers and what better time to share my knowledge than turkey dump season:

  1. Facebook is your friend.  Why, you ask?  So you can see all the fun they’ve been having without you.  No! Because Facebook holds evidence of their past.  No one was born hot: people go from cute, to awkward, to hot.  The key thing is the awkward stage – everyone went through it.  So go to that profile and search until you get to those first photos ever posted.  With all the buck teeth, braces, acne, bowl cuts and unfortunate outfit choices you’ll see, you will lose all attraction towards them.
  2. Get a tattoo.  I recommend a broken heart, ‘Fuck you (insert name here)’, or permanent eyeliner.  Physical pain is the best outlet for all the emotional pain.  And having a permanent symbol of the relationship on your body will surely allow you to move on with your life.
  3. Hot people have hot friends.  So take your pick and hook up!  Sure, they may have heard all the stories about the reasons the relationship ended (you tortured your ex’s pets, slipped arsenic in their tea, insisted on an orgy with their parents) but that just makes you more exotic and desirable.
  4. Eat ice cream.  Straight from the tub.  Better yet, go to the nearest Dairy Queen, get behind the counter, place your mouth under the soft serve dispenser and let deliciousness flow into your mouth.  The brain freeze will surely freeze your emotions so your heart can go on.
  5. Drown yourself in music.  None of this Taylor Swift, Adele and Josh Groban nonsense.  I’m talking hard-core gangsta rap as loud as it can go.  Make your neighbors and anybody walking by uncomfortable.  And make sure you krump while you’re at it since it will allow you to release all that anger and aggression.