How to Increase the Value of Your Queen’s Degree


It is a problem that many new graduates struggle with in this tough economy: how do you set yourself apart from the competition?
Ladies and gentlemen – I have found the answer! I marginally passed Econ 111 and APSC 221 (Engineering Economics), so I understand business. If you move the supply curve one way and do something to the other curve, or something like that, people will want to buy your product! The product in this case being you.
It is kind of hard to increase demand for yourself when your resume is really unimpressive and your grades are only average so you can’t mess with the demand curve, what you can do is decrease supply. If you get rid of all the other Queen’s students you will be the only person left to hire!
I started by setting Leggett and Watts on fire, detonating seven tonnes of ANFO on West Campus and driving a train into Waldron Tower.
Then it hit me – getting rid of all the current Queen’s students isn’t enough – I have to get rid of all the teachers so this institution can never create a Queen’s graduate again. The alumni will have to go too. That is a lot of work.
I remembered that my housemate Blair is a history major, so I asked him what the most efficient way of disposing of 130,000+ people is. After whipping out a bunch of essays on oppressive regimes of the Twentieth Century, I killed him. One fewer history major to compete with in the job market.
I realized making all these people disappear is going to be a lot of work, it will probably take at least 5 years after I graduate. I might not even have time to hold a full time job. Perhaps I could skip out on getting a real world job and turn this into a bit of a business too? I decided to open up a funeral home to make a profit off this venture. To eliminate competition, I burned  the funeral homes in Kingston to the ground and exhumed all the bodies in the Cataraqui Cemetery to make room for future business.
Some people might ask: ‘Why do you need to kill the artsci/music/commerce/con-ed majors? You are a mining engineer. When will a music teacher ever apply for a job in your field of work?”
Well you know what, it’s not just about getting jobs, I want to be unique, like an Egyptian God card, or a discontinued item on Runescape.
Anyways, if you want to attend a workshop on how to make yourself more competitive in the job market, board the Wolfe Island ferry next Tuesday at 6:40pm carrying a jerry can of gasoline and stand on upper deck on the starboard side. Just wait there.