Hey there folks! Thanks for tuning in to another episode of Golden Words! Last week, you saw lots of other text and words. This week, prepare for more of that, hopefully with more humour. But I mean who knows, I don’t read any of these articles before I put them in the paper–just here to make my money and get the fuck out. I leave principles to actual news organizations like Breitbart, and VICE. That’s right, I hate VICE. The documentaries are first year film assignments and it’s basically the left-wing version of Breitbart for people who check off travel as an interest in LinkedIn. Travel all you want, there’s little room for employment in Bali and Santorini. Getting your fucked up fetishes fulfilled on a unisex washroom floor will have to be on your own dime.
While newspapers seek to tell the news (and tell it honestly), there exist nefarious organizations that seek to develop a rift between true facts and opinion. Fake news has recently arisen as a phenomenon, undermining true journalism. Pizzagate: a fake story wherein Hillary Clinton and her aids ran a child sex ring out of a Pizza shop. Popegate: the Pope endorsing Donald Trump for president. STIGate: that totally fake rumour about me that’s totally not true. Trust me, you can ask my doctor (don’t ask my doctor). These stories are both ugly realities and really hard to do. So I wanted to give you guys some clear tips for when you seek to undermine journalism and democratic institutions. Autocracy here we come!
Ok so first you need a title for your fake website. Don’t worry, domain names are cheap and so are your journalistic standards! Try something that has a news-y word in it, and then like slanted political phrases. For example: Rebel Media, The Queen’s Journal, Liberty Daily, Patriot Times, or The National Chemtrails. Now people are immediately fans of you.
What’s next you ask? That’s easy. Bash Hillary Clinton. That’s right–no matter how deep she hides in the backwoods of New York state, her emails will still trail her, and you will too. Forget about her track record and experience though since those are irrelevant to your readers. The more absurd your allegations, the more likely they will be to be believed and shared on social media. Make up polls, statistics, and anything you want because if it’s on a website with a letterhead, it must be true! Using question marks in titles and all capitals is a key component for getting clicks on your page. For example, take a look at this:
WOW! HILLARY CLINTON JUST USED A TIME MACHINE AND ABORTED THE FETUS OF RONALD REAGAN! WHEN WILL LIBERALS LEARN????
Perfect. Covers all bases and also calls out liberals for something vague. Just what we look for in the fake news business. Make sure to keep the titles snappy and the articles short since no one will read them anyway. You’re in the business of making sweet, sweet cheddar, curdled from the teat of Google Ads. Last, and most important, make sure you don’t use real news because then you’re not making fake news.
And there you go. You’ve successfully infiltrated the media. Now go out there and give ‘em what you’ve got, and enjoy reading some of the fake news we have here.