So the first week of classes has started and you want to go back to a week ago when your biggest stress was deciding between Stages and Undies. But here you are back at it again and you’re barely above academic probation so you really need to do well this year and maybe your parents will say they love you this year at Christmas.
1. Sit in the front row during your lectures. Pay attention and take notes, don’t go on your phone and ask questions. Easy stuff guys.
2. Do your homework as soon as you get home, and review all your notes every day.
3. Continue this for 1-2 weeks. Congratulations!! You’re succeeding!!
4. So your buddy from class is having a huge rager this weekend, go ahead have a drink or two and socialize you earned it.
5. Show up and realize you have absolutely zero social skills when you’re sober. Immediately throw back 4 Jagerbombs and try to chat up some of the cuties, get rejected and drink more. Repeat this for a few hours.
6. As you are now completely belligerent, take your shirt off and then proceed to pass out in the front doorway and shit your pants.
7. Wake up lying in your own body fluids/solids and realize you have ruined your reputation beyond imagination.
8. Don’t show up to class. Drink and smoke to pass the time.
9. Sink into a deep depression as you realize all your efforts have been for nothing
10. Take up shrooms and LSD
11. Get kicked out of your house due to step 10 and start living on the streets
12. Take up heroin.
13. Lose all your money and wander the ghetto with a shoppers drug mart cart collecting empties for money and paint thinners to get high on.
14. Overdose on paint thinners in front of Stages.
15. Wake up and harass the frosh at the spot for more drugs
16. Get arrested for harassing said frosh.
17. Spend the next 2 years in jail throwing away your spot as a student at Queens. Contemplate the meaning of the human condition, and the purpose of your life.
18. Get out of jail and try to live a better life
19. Get pursued by drug dealers you still owe money too.
20. Hide in the depths of Mac-Corry.
21. Get a job serving fries at Lazy
22. Find an engineering frosh’s lost student card one night.
23. Plot an elaborate scheme to take out said student, and pose as him so you can return to school
24. Ultimately fail in said plan
25. Work at Lazy for several years and fall into a depression as you think of what could have been.
26. Mentally snap at everyone in Lazy one night as you receive an order for 15 four pieces.
27. Get fired and use this opportunity to go study at Western.
28. Graduate from Western because it’s a joke
Congratulations! You have passed!! Hopefully with all these tips you can do well in your courses. Disclaimer* Steps 4 through 27 are not required, simply repeating 1-3 or 28 would save you many years of anguish and struggle.