Are you financially unsound? Say no more. I’m gunna show all you ex-froshies how to save money in that shithole that you call a house! Now you’re paying for groceries and supplies and lap dances instead of your parents so it’s now time to smarten up and stop spending so much of your money! Here’s my Quick Stop Spendin’ Money QuickTM six step tips on how to trick you spendin’ lunatic kick a dick that’ll do the trick.
1. Reuse bread!! Reuse bread!!
How many times do I have to say this but people don’t reuse bread enough. I catch myself using it only once sometimes and I feel ridiculous.
2. Don’t buy expensive food
Literally just buy 2 loaves of bread and some mustard and that’ll cover you for about a week. SO CHEAP like the answer to how to save money is right here in front of you folks, also the bread is reusable!
3. ONLY drink non-alcoholic cheap white wine
Let’s be real, if you’re trying to save money, you have no room in the budget to actually get drunk. And white wine has a promising taste.
4. Sell your body! Make a quick buck
No not what you’re thinking silly! Mow peoples’ lawns, clean someone’s house, have sex with them for money, feed their pets. The opportunities to sell your body for money are endless!
5. Live in a tent
There are some great tents you can buy from queens housing services that can fit up to 6 people and at a low price of $540/month/person!!! ALSO you can set them up as close as the train station!!! It’s a steal! To top this all off, the landlord is pretty chill.
6. Keep all your money in a jar that you can only access once a month for about 10 seconds so it’s much harder to even access your money. Like a jar that you can slide money into but like there’s no possible way to get it out without the monthly “opening of the little door” on the side of the jar and can only fit two fingers.
This may seem brilliant but.. actually yah it’s brilliant. The only downside is that if it’s stolen then you lose literally all your money, but it’s not a lot in the first place so like, it’s not a big deal.