How to Seal the Deal on Dating Apps


So you’ve broken up with your high school GF because she wouldn’t go all the way and now you’re just trying to get your D wet. Uh oh, no thick surprise here, but you lack the social intelligence to connect with anyone that isn’t in high school and actually has a personality! So what are your options? No, the High school route isn’t an option (one day though…). Now you’re left to venture into the deep unknown that is online dating. You’ve heard stories of your buddies hooking up on Tinder so why not give it a shot? You’ve also heard stories of your bros getting mad D on Grindr but that’s probably not for you…

Welcome to the backwards reality known as ‘Tinder’, where people judge books by their covers and then fuck those books to validate their self-worth. Some people on Tinder just want to be friends and are not to be trusted, as they obviously don’t know how society works. I’ll try to give you the advice that got me laid more times than I can count.

Here are 5 easy steps to win at Tinder:

1. The profile: This is the first thing your future mate is going to see so it has to be perfect. Get at least 3 good pics, start off with a solo pic so that she knows what she’s looking at, then a pic with dudes preferably without shirts on so she knows what you’re working with. Then a funny pic, maybe of you holding up a dildo with a face like ‘how did this end up here?!’ Very Funny.

2. The Bio: This is where your future mate reads the summary of the book to get an idea of what exactly she might be getting into. My most successful bios have been ones that let them know that I have a sense of humor. Classics like, ‘guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back’, ‘if a smile is the key that fits the lock of anybody’s heart, then I’ll definitely be able to fit into the lock between your legs’. You can even comment on one of your photos, like the dildo one, with the caption, ‘I swear I don’t know how that got there!’

3. Messaging: Now, the foxy feline has opened the book and wants to read, and you’ve got to keep her interested long enough to seal the deal. Start off with a ‘howdy’ or a ‘hiya!’ This has a better chance of her responding than just ‘hey’ or ‘whaddup’ or even the classic ‘I’m going to turn your pubic mound into a pile of bone dust when I’m done with you’. Then once the convo gets going, you broach the subject ‘are you down to fuck?’ if she say yes, that’s when you tell them the specifics. ‘Do you have genitalia?’, ‘what is a vagina?’, ‘would you show me what a vagina looks like so that I will be better prepared in the future? Girls love it when guys are direct.

4. Delete Tinder and do some necessary sexual education research.

5. Finally admit that you’re in over your head and not ready to mingle with the big boys. And yes, you do in fact know how that ‘dildo got there’. You found it in the woods in front of your high school, soaked it in boiling water for 2 days and kept it in your room to seem cool.

Well son, you may not have gotten any action but you’ve now got something more important – knowledge. Knowledge that you can use going forward to have a lot of sex. I myself have did the sex with 4 different people (but who’s counting ;)), since I started using these hot tips and can guarantee success. Good luck!