We all know you were thinking it. Those overlong stares at that ass (ummmmffff), those heart-pounding moments when your eyes meet. Those late-night genital-stroking moments while you visualize their face, their nostrils flaring with lust. Well if you weren’t thinking it before, you’re thinking it now. Jesus, I’m thinking it now.
Fortunately, we at Golden Words have you covered (we recommend some additional coverage from the SHRC), with our How-To. Without further ado (what the fuck does that even mean?)
Step 1: Get Written Up
You’re already thinking, this is a bad idea. That’s why you’ll never sleep with your don. Getting written up is the way you show your don you’re not some chump who’s going to roll over and starfish. Establish yourself as a badass, maybe smoke weed with the door open, and when written up say it was to avoid hotboxing your innocent roommate. Be super nice the whole time you’re getting written up, but also make sure you’re giving an “I don’t care about the rules, I’m humouring you” attitude. Your don will start to think of you as a nice person who likes to live on the dangerous side.
Step 2: Seduce and Reject a Floormate
Your don knows about the floorcest, they’re not stupid. So if your don has to comfort one of your floormates because you turned them down, they’ll know you’re an aloof but desirable individual. This will raise your level of attractiveness to your don, who may consider seeking to sleep with you to establish dominance over your pathetic floormate. Don’t worry about your floormate, it’s collateral damage and you have to keep your eye on the prize.
Step 3: Be Attractive
Flaunt your glorious body around in a towel – whether or not you have just showered or intend to. If people ask, pass it off as laziness. Take every possible opportunity to take the overlong stares off your don’s ass and into their eyes. Hold it, hold it, then smirk and look back to whatever it was you were doing or your pathetic floormate you were talking to. Soon your don will dream of you.
Step 4: Make the Move
Ask your don if you can talk in private. When your don brings you into their room and shuts the door, look them in the eye. Say, “I can’t stop thinking about you.” If you did your previous homework well, they will say “I can’t stop thinking about you either – but [insert your name here], we can’t – it’s not allowed.” And you’ll recommend that they follow this qr code which leads to a don contract draft clearly stating that romantic interests are strongly discouraged – not prohibited.
Step 5: Bang Your Don.
If you don’t know how this step works, we can’t help you. Hopefully you read the whole thing before you started just following the steps. Like what if this had been a trap? It’s lucky for you we’re good people [Editor’s Note: bullshit we’re good people. We’re funny people, the whole point of being funny is so people don’t care that we’re assholes.]