How to stop being awkward from a distance


Sometimes you are walking around campus, and you meet eyes with someone you know. Your eyes lock and social interaction is guaranteed. You should probably say something, but golly jeez, you are just too far away and the only way to communicate right now would be to shout at them. You’re not an angry Scotsman demanding freedom nor are you asserting your dominance in the animal kingdom. You have to get closer. That’s a lot of ground to cover, how are you going to make it over there without appearing like uncultured swine? You’re cool. You can totally act like a normal human being. You know this because your mother told you last week. But what do you do? You actually have a few options!
First, you could act as though you have never made eye contact with them in the first place and then act as though you just ran into them. Now, this may seem straight forward, but you may run into problems with what to look at instead. If you can somehow look normal while examining surrounding walls, ceilings and floors, this may be the tactic for you! You may even be able to strike up a riveting conversation of interior decorating and architectural design. You know, topics most university students find just fascinating. Unfortunately, if this is not the case, you may just scare your target away as your eyeballs will appear as though they spontaneously developed epilepsy as you desperately scan the room for something remotely interesting to look at. So take your pick, artistic interior designer, or creepy eyes McGee.
Now you can always just maintain eye contact. This is quite the risky tactic to perform and best saved for close friends. Regardless, careful consideration must be taken while attempting this move, as a very thin line exists between looking like a caring and interesting friend, and looking like a creepy, drug-fueled, diseased homeless person. Here are some things to generally avoid.  Shifty hands, excessive sweating, blinking irregularly or other actions that look like you’re tripping balls should probably be avoided. Also, repeatedly licking your lips is just generally creepy and shouldn’t ever be performed in any social situation ever. Now if you can somehow still manage to avoid looking like you are going to Jason Statham the fuck out of them, you may just be able to have a normal conversation. Congratulations, you are not as socially inept as I thought you were.
Realistically though, you know deep down in your shameful little heart you are probably just going to do what you always do. Option number 3. Swallow the internal loneliness that is your life and walk straight past them. They probably didn’t want to talk to you anyways. Besides, who needs friends when you have booze and the Plaza to keep you company.