Thanksgiving is super cool. You get to go home and eat a shit ton of food that you didn’t have to pay for, get drunk off of alcohol that you also didn’t pay for, and answer awkward questions about what you’re going to do after graduation with your politics degree that you also didn’t pay for. Getting laid is also super cool. You get to have the sex. You know what’s not cool? Incest. That’s right, incest is pretty fucked up, also it can lead to wars and pushing kids out of towers and your inbred kid being a tyrant king who dies at his own wedding. So for a bunch of very good reasons, don’t fuck anyone you’re related to.
But just because you’re home for Thanksgiving doesn’t mean you can’t get lucky. Most Thanksgiving dinners usually involve family friends who are genetically dissimilar enough to you to make having sex with them both socially and biologically acceptable. The key is determining who you are and aren’t related to in order to sort your Thanksgiving company into groups which you can mentally label “OK to fuck” and “definitely not OK to fuck”. By reading this article you will be able to do this. How you actually go about convincing the dinner guests that you aren’t related to that you’re worth having sex with is up to you because I honestly don’t really know either.
To start you should have a basic grasp of who your main family members are. Aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, and first cousins are easy and you shouldn’t need my help in determining whether or not these people are related to you. That being said if you for some reason can’t do that it’s always a good idea to smell a prospective sexual partner. I think I read one time that humans have pheromones that make certain people smell more or less attractive based on how genetically similar to you they are. So, if you smell someone and something seems off there’s a decent chance that they’re your cousin.
When not dealing with very close family members a pretty safe tactic for determining whether or not you’re related is to reference the very large family tree that is painted on the wall at your house. It’s not 100% reliable because a few of the faces have been scratched out for betraying the family, but if you can’t see their face on the tree you’re probably safe to turn on that world class charm everyone’s heard about.
Another reliable tactic is to use your traditional mating call. Calling this out at a very loud volume will prompt all the females at the Thanksgiving dinner to yell out their mating calls in return. It’s common knowledge that human mating calls are handed down through families by older generations, so anybody who calls out the same guttural shriek that you produce is off limits on account of your familial status. Anyone whose mating call is unfamiliar to you is ready for some love.
If all else fails you can always perform a very quick genetic test. All you’ll need is some DNA from your potential sex partner, a sophisticated array of lab equipment, a sterile room, barrier devices to prevent your own DNA from contaminating the sample, and a working knowledge of how to perform complicated lab tests. Politely ask the the candidates that you’re interested in for a sample of their hair, spit, or blood. Then, away to your lab to perform the tests. Within an hour you should be confident in your knowledge as to whether or not you are related to the party guest that you would like to fool around with.
We here at the Golden Words hope this guide was helpful in making sure you don’t sleep with any of your family members over Thanksgiving break. We are firm believers in striving to get laid at any event you find yourself at, but we are equally passionate about making sure the sex you have at innapropriate events is safe and incest free. Don’t worry too much about condoms though, as long as you’re not related you can’t get pregnant. That’s just common sense.