How To Wake Up In The Morning


It’s Wednesday, and you’re a university student. Chances are you have class today. That means you need to “wake up”. This is not as easy as it sounds. Here is a guideline you may use to go through the sequence of events that are involved in “waking up”.

  1. Open your eyes and look at your buzzing alarm clock.
  2. Notice how comfy and warm your bed is.
  3. Hold your finger over your alarm’s ‘off’ button.
  4. Hesitate.
  5. Switch to the ‘snooze’ button and press.
  6. Lie motionless for 5-10 minutes (depending on your alarm clock settings)
  7. Open your eyes and look at your buzzing alarm clock.
  8. Turn off your alarm for real this time. Pick up your phone and set a timer for 10 minutes.
  9. Close your eyes again.
  10. Get taken to dreamworld of magic
  11. Shock yourself awake after forgetting to snooze again, now you’re 5 minutes late for class.
  12. Say “fuck it”, don’t go to this class. But the next one is MANDATORY.
  13. Get your housemate to pour a bucket of cold water over your head.
  14. After the brief shock into wakefulness, you realize that the soaking-wet body of yours within the cocoon of warmth that is your bed reminds you a lot of the womb. Proceed to lapse into fetal position.
  15. Late afternoon, open eyes. Scroll through phone for 20 minutes, an hour if an interesting article shows up in your feed.  
  16. Shower.
  17. Eat Diner.
  18. Set early alarm for tomorrow, promise “no more of this sleeping in bullshit” to yourself.
  19. Repeat as necessary.