How to Write the Perfect Essay for Class


Hey folks, ya boi Nigerian Prince aka ANALBUTT$TUFF aka Knock-Off Versace Necklace aka Donatello aka Master Sphincter aka D in the A/B in the P here bringing you another HOT tutorial on how to bullshit your way through school, just like how you’re going to bullshit your way through life after. In this tutorial, we’re going to take a trip down Typewriter Lane and jerk our gherkins to one of the most challenging parts of academia; writing an essay. Since lots of our readers are in Engineering, this is already a skill you’ve looooong given up on, but for the rest of you, I GUARANTEE your money back if you don’t find this extremely useful. What’s that you say? You got this paper free? How can you get your money back then based on this premise? Well you can go to the AMS and get back your student fee you paid to keep us in business or something. In any case, if you read this and follow my hawt and ready tips, I guarantee you’ll see at least a full letter grade bump in your course overall, a .03 GPA bump, and a dry, tight, HJ underneath the bleachers as Queen’s loses in a nailbiter during the Homecoming football game.

Tip 1) Make your thesis short, and snappy. Damnit make it now – I don’t have that much time to waste!

A short, snappy thesis is key to grab the reader’s attention. Check out this badboy that got me a B- in first year history: “HEY ASSHOLE – Bismarck’s utilization of realpolitik was instrumental in German unification.” It starts out bold and provocative, and then transitions into a nuanced stance on a controversial historical claim. Another possibly tool is using humour. Take a look: “I hate minorities. Just kidding Professor [Insert minority last name here]! Ahahaha didn’t a trick you? In all seriousness though, I strongly believe that peacekeeping missions require foresight into how best to allow democracy to prevail and ”prevent mission creep.” This’ll be sure to make your Prof laugh at your humour, and give you that easy C+. In fact, I’ve gotten professors asking me to “see me in their office, ASAP”. One can only assume it’s to compliment me on a great essay, and to probably give me a first handshake.

Tip 2) When quoting others, make it seem like you know them.

Lots of times I get students come up to me asking me what their paper’s did wrong. They have no idea. I mean there’s nothing wrong with this; it’s just the way they were taught growing up. One of the worst parts of the essay is always, without fail, the writer’s use of quotations. They always take such an impersonal stance to the academic author. “Keynes says this:”, “Al Roker wrote this:”. I mean come on guys! Could you be anymore impersonal? You seem way more important and knowledgeable if you pretend to know the people. Take this quote for example: “Rudy Giuliani said the following, while we were getting 69ed by Robocop in a Baskin and Robbins:”, or “Andrew Lloyd Webber said the following in an interview while we were giving this dime a vaginal pirouette in the Panama Strait”. The prof will know you’re legit when you flex your experiences with such well established academics in their field.

Tip 3) Illustrations help to break up your paragraphs and at flavour to the essay.

By now your eyes are probably getting nice and tired. You didn’t have your coffee this morning and neither did the TA that’s marking your paper! That means that unless you have some way to get their attention back, you’re sitting in D- land. That’s right, you’ll be in pass-fail purgatory unless you throw a nice .jpeg, .jpg, or if you’re feeling super sexy, a .png. Take this for example:

“Ahaha!”, you say. “Good old Dilbert and his office-related antics. How relatable!” And your prof will be saying the same thing on the way to your C+. Nice! I will always recommend Dilbert when it comes to a politics paper, but for history you might want to consider Garfield, for economics I like Far Side, and for global developments I find graphic images of corpses to really get the marker’s attention.

Tip 4) Death threats, death threats, death threats!

I don’t know WHY I need to keep telling people this but for the last time: death threats are a must. Unless you threaten the marker’s wife/husband or children, you’re not going to get anywhere! Of course, a lot of people fire a quick email telling them to watch their backs if they don’t give student number [insert student number here] a B-. That’s such an amateur move. I advise starting by kidnapping, that way you have all the power. Then, an unmarked package with an appendage or two of their loved ones will be sure to get you the mark of your dreams!

That’s all for now folks, but if you want more tips from ya boi Yung Stank aka The Funkle aka Dick Out for My Mailman, then just send Golden Words a hot message and we’ll be on it faster than girls on the dog Snapchat filter. Adios bitchez!