I Am Angry and This Largely CAPITALIZED Facebook Post Will Prove It


Ok guys, I’M SICK OF IT.

That’s right, you heard me. I’m sick and tired of this thing that happened, and I don’t care who knows it. You might think I should be embarrassed, and you’re probably right, but it doesn’t matter. Some things need to be said, and when they’re said they better be pretentious as fuck and IN ALL CAPS BABY. My shift key is permanently glued down with my self-gratifying ejaculate, and I intend to make lemons into lemonade. I should note that lemons are a product of colonial expansion into South America. Therefore, I ACTUALLY intend to make free trade lemons into organic lemonade.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you a personal experience with this thing I was angry about. I was walking down the street, doing something non-descriptive, and then all of a sudden I experienced something tangentially related to what I’m talking about. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME? I deserve more than that. Facebook, I NEED you to act as an echo chamber for me to VALIDATE MY OPINIONS. That’s what you’re useful for, right? That’s what FRIENDS DO FOR FRIENDS. And if not for my Facebook friends I would have NOBODY. Sorry, back to my point:

Donald Trump, illegal immigrants, electoral colleges, people who take up the whole sidewalk when they walk. ARE YOU ANGRY YET? ARE YOU FEELING SO POLITICALLY CHARGED THAT YOU NEED TO MAKE A FACEBOOK POST REPRIMANDING SOCIETY?? If you’re not close to it, then you need to WAKE THE FUCK UP AND FUCK OFF. You think I’m mean for saying this? You think I’m an “ASSHOLE”??? Well you’re not alone in that. Some people call me mean for all the mean things I do, but they’re the REAL ASSHOLES. It’s just part of my personality. You need to FIGURE OUT YOUR LIFE. If you’re not angry at people who won’t see your post, and talking about a topic that you’re not remotely impacting, you’re not making any CHANGE.

In any case you all need to know how I FEEL. My feelings are IMPORTANT guys. All my life I’ve been TOLD SO. Now, when faced with injustices that have little to do with me, the only possible action I know, deep in my HEART, is break out my Macbook, light some scented candles, and go to town on my moral imperatives. That’s right, perhaps you can see my boner from where you are reading. And unlike the Great Wall of China, it’s not a myth that you can see it from space.

Please like, comment “YAS QUEEN PREACH”, and share this post with the caption “So brave and strong. My brilliant best friend people <3” to ensure that bad things never happen again. Think about it, how do you think they got rid of polio, or smallpox? Let me answer that QUESTION with another QUESTION: “do you think science is able to make angry Facebook posts?” I REST MY GOSH DARN CASE, haters.