I am Starting WW3 to Get Myself a Job


Hey fourth years, found that job yet? You know, the one that is stupid enough to hire your sorry ass. No? Thats not surprising. This is one of the worst job markets since the 80s. Way to go Canada. Thanks Obama-Harper.

I’ve come up with a simple, fool-proof plan to get us all some much need jobs. It’s simple. we start World War Three! Do you know how many new jobs will be created to fund the war machine? A lot. Top Golden Words economists estimate it will create at least 12 jobs. How amazing is that? These jobs would be in high demand sectors such as war fodder, cannon operator, and my personal favourite – assistant of dying for a pointless cause. Overall, a new world war would not only provide a plentiful amount of jobs immediately, but once it ends in the nuclear annihilation of the losing country, think of all the jobs that won’t be filled due to an abundance of nuclear soot/ people. I can’t wait for our new job filled world!

So obviously the next step in this plan is to start the war. The key factor is getting it going. We need a Franz Ferdinand. We need that one domino to come falling down. I think the key plot point is Russia. I’ll need a few volunteers; they need to join up for the cause! For me to get a fucking job. Just one….(sobs heard in the background).

So, the plan is to get to Moscow, find Putin, yell “vive la France”, and send Putin to his maker. We want to bring France into this right away because then Germany will be caught between the countries and forced to join a side, followed quickly by the UK, the USA, and any other acronymed countries. This will cascade into a domino effect of a chain of events that leads to a slippery slope of me actually getting a job!

So, I’ve got 4 one-way tickets to Moscow. Any interested parties should contact me – I’ll be the guy in the trench coat sitting at Nixon Field on thursday at 10:06 PM. The pass code is “Putin should be put out”. That’s how I know you are for realsies.

So in summary, I could use one of those jobs! I need to be a real person in 8 weeks. How fucked is that? Before then, a quick start of WW3 would help me greatly. Can’t wait to see my volunteers!