September is finally here and with it comes the tide of freshly rejuvenated, eager, and annoying students. It’s kind of like the excitement you feel when summer rolls around, except you’re then covered in a thousand mosquitos. Mosquitoes that cause massive line-ups everywhere you go, and who eat all of the ginger-molasses cookies from The Tearoom before noon.
I know what you’re thinking as you read this: “I’m not annoying! I’m mildly shitty at the worst!” No. You are wrong. To be fair, some are you are not entirely at fault for being annoying. You didn’t choose this life; you were born into it. Why just this past Sunday, which some of you will recognize as “move-in day”, I wanted to take a nice Sunday drive down to Chown Hall to visit the Don’s and make their jobs so much more difficult than they needed to be. Unfortunately, I was unable to find parking anywhere because YOU and your shitty families were parked in every possible location. Yes, I am talking to you, non-handicapped people who parked in the accessibility parking spots. Fuck You. I am also talking to you, people who parked on the side of the road in front of the entrance to a parking lot. On behalf of the 12 people you inconvenienced, Fuck You.
For the vast majority of you who were raised to be somewhat bearable but then just said “fuck it” and became relentless assholes when you got to university, I’ve been waiting for you. I’ve enjoyed a whole summer of being able to go to a coffee shop at any time of day knowing that I’ll be able to get a table where I can write my masterpiece dick jokes. What do you call a woman who loves small dicks? Your Girlfriend. Boom, instant comedy. I’ve enjoyed a summer of laying on the pier without fear of getting broken glass from a beer bottle embedded in my spine. Granted, I did get a few pieces in my feet. I’ve enjoyed riding a bike through campus, without being cut-off every 10 feet by “a victim of a bicycle hit and run.” It’s been a good 4 months. So now I’m ready to walk in enormous crowds. I’m ready to wait in massive lines at Clark, oh wait, I have permanent line-skip forevaaa so suck it Sci’ 19! I’m ready to deal with everyone hating Queen’s students because a few of you get drunk and destroy some local property. Actually no. Don’t fucking do that last one.
For the vast minority of you who are genuinely enjoyable people, welcome back, or maybe just welcome if this is your first time at Queen’s. Feel free to use your don’s condoms for water balloon fights. Feel free to throw down at Stages on a Monday night. Feel free to use the Journal for packing glassware or eating fish and chips. Don’t read it though unless you want to turn into a relentless asshole.