I Cannot Lie, I Like Big Butts


So there I am, sitting in Starbucks, pondering the big questions in life, waiting for my girlfriend to arrive and that’s when I came to an abrupt conclusion. My girlfriend doesn’t really fit the bill when it comes to me. Not in an ‘out of my league’ kind of way but more in a “she looks like a gentleman that raps’ girlfriend”. I am anything but a rapsmith, sure I’m 250 Lbs with abs of steel and the gaze of an Andalusian stallion, but I mean, her butt. It’s just so big, so round! So when she gave me a chance I had to jump on it.

I like big butts! Aha it feels so liberating to say it out loud! I know that you, the reader, can’t deny the feeling of pure rapture when a damsel walks into the room with clinically small hips and a spherical entity in your face! It’s quite exhilarating. If i’m being honest, sometimes i’ll just keep staring at her behind way beyond the socially allowed time (1.87 seconds). I just sit there totally mesmerized by her jeans, counting the stitches on her back pocket, taking in the quality embroidery. I love life. Once I even asked a dame if she could turn around so that I could take a picture with her respectable rump. My friends tried to warn me that this was a deplorable act, which in hindsight it was, but I had to at least try. After all, her butt really got my heart rate to increase rapidly. Justly and predictably, she kicked me in the ‘bathing suit area’ and called me some words that I do not want wish to repeat.

A couple years back, I saved up for 14 months to buy a Mercedes Benz in hopes that large-anus’d women would engage in coitus with me just because of my material goods, and it kind of worked. I would frequent discotheques wearing lavish clothes and walked around with a posse of men that I hired. Surprisingly, I amassed a significant amount of groupies and I would occasionally bed the above average ones. Other nights I would dance the night away and find my lady on the stage covered in sweat and ready to mingle. Now I’m usually a romantic guy, but sometimes you gotta change it up if you want to get the prize.

What really chaps my cheeks these days are all these health food-fitness-lifestyle wannabe magazines that preach ‘flat butts’’. Um excuse me??? Are you trying to ruin my life? I can guarantee if you ask any of my brothers, they will unequivocally say that they all prefer a woman with some meat on her gluteus maximus. Now my personal preference isn’t for silicon. I believe that element is better off in semiconductors and not inside a person. What can I say? I like em thick ‘n’ juicy. Like a good steak, but not in an edible type of way.

If there are any thicc-ly gifted chickitas reading this article right now, please reach out to me because I believe that we will be a good fit. I won’t swear at you, or be mean, but I would really treat you right. I should say right off the top that our genitals will be kissing until dawn graces us with her regal presence. I will not leave your still warm body, quite the opposite in fact. I will stay. I will stay forever in the hopes that our love will blossom and grow into an immovable object that not even Hercules himself could handle, much like you succulent behind. But I can handle it and I will handle it until we grow old and I physically with all my might and strength cannot muster the power. Hopefully I will then die as I will have no purpose in life because i’m not gonna lie, I like big butts.