I Could, Like, Totally Climb Mount Everest


Mount Everest is a pretty fucking huge mountain I think. Like, I’ve heard it of it but I also failed grade 9 geography and have literally no idea where it is. It’s the largest mountain ever(est). I guess it’s cool and whatever to climb it but honestly it’s so overrated because basically every dude who’s ever run a marathon and has a fuck-ton of money has hired some Sherpas and dragged his ass up the cliff faces of Mt. Everest. I think if I climbed it it would be cool again.

Sometimes I think that I could climb Mt. Everest since one time I climbed 86 flights of stairs on the step master at the ARC. However, I also went on a hike during reading week up Sulphur Mountain in Banff. It has an elevation gain of 655m, which is 7.4% of Everest and I almost had a heart attack/ stroke/ aneurysm. So if I climbed that mountain like 15 times it’s the exact same thing. Then again, Sulphur Mountain has a nice flat switchbacky trail that makes it a ‘leisurely stroll’ according to Trip Advisor. Fuck you Trip Advisor my heart was pounding harder than when I went to Justin Bieber’s concert in the 8th grade and he looked right at me.

Maybe it’s just the equipment that I’m missing. I could use my future white girl wizard staff as walking sticks. I did see an elderly couple with walking sticks and that looked pretty sick. I’m surprised they even had equipment because the only people that climb the mountain instead of taking the gondola are psychos and my parents. This means that they planned ahead to climb it. Which means it was on purpose. wtf

So yeah, I’m pretty much a mountaineering expert. I’m also well prepared for many of the different struggles that people normally face. I’ve heard altitude sickness is pretty bad if you’re not adjusted but yesterday I went to the top floor of Stauff and I swear my ears popped I was so high up. Never again. I’m also already ready for the extreme cold weather. As we all know, Kingston is just an extreme wind tunnel where everyday approaches absolute zero temperatures. I’m sure I could climb to the top of Everest and take a bathing suit pic because I’m just so acclimatized. Frost Week 2.0. I hope there’s a gift shop at the top I want to buy a sticker to put on my Nalgene so people know I’m really original and outdoorsy and authentic.

One thing I’m worried about is that I am extremely lazy and I fear I might just sit down and not get up on the side of the mountain because instead of being 2 Fast 2 Furious I am 2 Tired 2 Move. I was reminded of this when I walked down the stairs at 1:30am last Saturday and some drunk guy was sitting on the stairs looking normal until I realized he was asleep and snoring. Like, did he just sit down thinking hmmm I’ll finish these stairs in the morning?

Overall, I think climbing Everest is my next major goal. It would look pretty lit on my LinkedIn profile and maybe I would also get that feeling people get when they think they’re superior to everyone else. Like ultramarathoners, moms, vegans and Engineers. It’s not a superiority complex when you are superior.