I’ve always wanted to write for a newspaper that unashamedly prints the word “fuck” with glorious frequency in every issue.
Okay, that’s not exactly true. But from the time I picked up my very first issue of Golden Words a few weeks ago, I knew it was the kind of thing I would have always wanted, had I known that I wanted it. If this doesn’t make any sense, fuck you, it’s 3 am and I’m running on copious amounts of NyQuil.
Unfortunately, like many of my fellow pathetic frosh, I’m a little bit intimidated by all the scary upper-year engineers that run this newspaper. So, my frosh-in-arms, how can we get published in Golden Words? Well, here is a non-exhaustive list of topics you absolutely must fit into your article at some point in the space-time continuum. What are my credentials, you ask? Absolutely none, but if you’re reading this – I GOT PUBLISHED. Which means I’m doing something right… Right?
1. FANCY NAME
What’s a journalist without a pen name? Inspiration can come from anywhere. I looked out my window and saw one of Kingston’s GIANT FUCKING SPIDERS just chillin’ outside.
2. EPIPHANY STRIKING AT LOW POINT
Whether it be a lingering hangover or that awkward moment when you’re doing laundry at 4 am because you have lost control of your life, you need a low point. And then you need an epiphany. What kind of epiphany? That’s up to you, we can’t hold your hand through everything.
4. GOOD OL’ FASHIONED TRICOLOUR EMOTION
Nothing says school spirit like a ‘Wuck Festern’. It seems like no one knows what they did to deserve this hate, but mob mentality is a powerful, terrifying tool. Use it to your utmost advantage.
5. EVERYTHING SHITTY IS DONE ON PURPOSE
I skipped 3. How many of you noticed? You know what, that’s not a mistake. It’s on purpose. Artistic license. In other news, have you noticed how drastically the quality of this article has decreased? Yeah, that’s also on purpose. Surprise!
6. …I give up.
Words. Just put words together. It’s very rude of you to come here and demand coherency of me. It’s 3 am. I’m supposed to be sleeping. Isn’t NyQuil supposed to help with that? Mom, if you read this, I was totally sleeping.
Why did I think this was a good idea? Oh, right. It’s 3 am and I can’t sleep because my lymph nodes are having a party. My bloodstream is probably entirely composed of NyQuil by now. Am I allowed to mention NyQuil or is there some kind of copyright that will fall out of the sky and hit me in the head like a cartoon anvil? Does NyQuil care if they’re being promoted in a satire newspaper? Thank me NyQuil, I’m giving you free advertising.
Are you still reading? There is nothing here for you, friend. Go away and wipe this unhelpful article from your mind. Write whatever catches your attention and holds it prisoner in its damp, dripping basement. There are no wrong answers. Except on midterms. There are lots of wrong answers on those.
P.S: Just because I can… Fuck fuck fucckity fuck.