I Tried Going Vegan For a Week and Ended Up Murdering My Family


“If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian”. These wise words were muttered by the early Paul McCartney and really made me rethink my life choices. I’ve been a meat-eater my whole life and never gave two thoughts about the processes put that food on my plate: veal, beef, venison, fish, salmon, poultry and ouvrier. If it exists, i’ve put it in my mouth. Which is why I decided to change to up last week and not only be a vegetarian, but also a vegan. So i’m gonna go ahead and take the liberty and finish Mr. McCartney’s quote, “if eggs, milk and cheese had glass walls, everyone would be a vegan”.

Monday morning I wake up and head to Tim’s to grab a buttered bagel on my way to class, nothing out of the ordinary. During my Heat Transfer class I start fantasizing about what i’ll be eating for lunch today. Maybe i’ll have a 4 piece from Lazy? Maybe a sirloin steak from the Griz? Then I remembered I was doing this ‘challenge’ and a wave of disappointment washed over me… So I got a burrito at Lazy! It was okay! It tied me over ‘till dinner where I ate a sock – nothing out out of ordinary.

Tuesday is a news day and i’m looking forward to my 3 hour lab at 8:30 in the morning. This time i’m doing a veggie sub for lunch and rice for dinner. I feel a bit weak and a desire for change, but i don’t really know for what. I washed my dinner down with a bottle of soy sauce so what else could I want? A couple of hours later I went to sleep. I woke up sweating and bleeding from the nose. No matter – I watched a couple of episodes of Arrested Development, drank some juice and went back to sleep.

Wednesday is the next day on the list and I wake up feeling like crap. I chug two glasses of water and head to my 8:30 in Dunning. My kale smoothie this morning isn’t really doing it for me and I can barely keep my head up. I skip lunch in hopes of being hungrier for dinner but I can’t muster the strength to eat anything. I call my parents for support and they convince me to go home for the weekend. Maybe some TLC will get me better.

Thursday is your’s day and mine too. I put uncooked spaghetti in my mouth in hopes that over the whole day the nutrients will get absorbed into my system and honestly I think it helped. During the afternoon I was working on an assignment with one of my buddies and I just punched him in the face so hard he bled and ran out, it felt good. I looked at my bloody hand with disdain and wondered to myself ‘what’s happening to me??’.

Friday is my day and it’s time to go home. I stash some cheeseless raw macaroni in my mouth and head to my one class. My thirst for violence has increased and I went home in the middle of my lecture for fear that I would strike again. On my way home someone tripped over my leg, fell to the sidewalk and broke their nose. I loved it. As I pack my overnight bag I think about the weekend to come and all the possibilities. I go to train station with a bubbling rage coursing through my body. Maybe the relaxing train ride will quell me? It doesn’t. My parents pick me up from the Whitby train station with beef jerky to snack on. I politely decline and tell them I ate on the train. They seemed to buy it but had no idea that I wanted that jerky more than anything. I would spread it all over my body and fantasize about how many lives were taken for this one package of beef jerky. That would be nice. As we get home my mom lets me know what for dinner – ribs. As she pulls out the juicy ribs from the oven, I lose it. I go into a frenzied rage unequaled by man or vegan, screaming and lashing out for the torturous week I had just put myself through.

Day 6
Saturday is another day and this time I wake up in a pool of mine and others’ blood. I pick up the phone and turn myself in. THIS IS THE RIGHT CHOICE. THIS IS THE RIGHT CHOICE. I look out the window and see the cars approaching. I walk into the kitchen to see all the mayhem I created and my eye is drawn to something. The ribs are immaculately sitting on counter still warm somehow. But I don’t eat any of it because I made a promise that I would see this week through, the vegan way. As the cops come in and scream in horror at the ghastly scene before their eyes I let out a smile. I’m finally happy. I spend the next 6 hours in custody and admit everything. One officer told me i’d go before a judge tomorrow. I slept perfectly that night.

Sunday is funday! I walk into the courtroom shackled and caught. Friends and family gather in the stands crying and confused. I take my stand and the judge asks me how I plea. “Guilty, your honor”, I respond. “Well then I have just one question, you sick twisted individual, why?”, the judge asks with an inquisitive inflection. “Well your honor, I went vegan for the week and this is what happened”, I said with a an earnest look on my face. “Vegan you say? Well you can’t be held accountable for your actions then!”, the judge retorted as he slammed his gavel, “Case dismissed!” Everyone was shocked including myself. I walk out a free man but with a new perspective on life. I check my watch and notice I stopped eating meat exactly a week ago. I head to the nearest hot dog stand and grab a wiener. I feel like myself again. Thank god this whole ordeal is behind me. Moral of the story: don’t go vegan.