I Was Told That I Had To Write an Article About Dicks and Then I Committed Several Crimes


I woke up today, with a clear mind and ready to punch out some great informative articles in this esteemed publication. I was ecstatic that at last, after an entire week I could reunite with friends and acquaintances alike in the Clark Hall lounge, and punch out some great informative articles while munching down on some pizza. I had some great concepts which would surely challenge the student population’s entire understanding of comedy and how it works.

Then disaster struck- a fateful facebook post in the Golden Words group would ruin my good vibes for the rest of the afternoon, hindering my desires to punch out some great informative articles. The Golden Words editor posted the following: “GUYS CMON DOWN AND WRITE THIS WEEK WE ARE DOING “GLOBE AND MALE” THE MALE ISSUE about male issues etc. its a loose theme you dont have to, don’t be sexist dont be homophopic.”.

Crushed; defeated; left out in the cold. All I wanted was to produce quality journalism and I was stonewalled, HARD.Dicks! Dicks, they said! There’s at least a dozen topics which combine journalistic integrity with real non-oppressive comedy, but Golden Words chose one which rallies against these pure ideals. Can a writer punch out some great informative articles without any editorial meddling?

So now, my fairly funny non-phallic article has been strewn to the side like common filth, and I’m forced to replace it with this fairly shit stream-of-consciousness rant. Like fuck, this article is really bad. I can’t punch out some great informative articles with this kind of pressure being applied to me. It’s 9pm, the editors have concluded with the punching out of some great informative articles, and are currently done with this week’s issue. I’m still here, hiding behind a couch, cranking this out so they can half-assedly throw it in at the last minute and punch out some great informative articles.

Alright, it’s 11pm now.. Getting late. The editors are almost done with the formatting and it looks like I may have missed my chance at punching out some great informative articles. This is my only shot. This article needs to make it into this week’s issue or I have failed my journalistic duty to punch out some great informative articles. Writing about dicks clearly is not my forte- if you’re looking for some high quality erotica though, please check out my colleague Cain Ronson’s literature which is frequently featured in this publication.

12am already? Fuck, time flies fast when you’re trapped between a couch and a hard place (the wall). The words are trickling out slowly now, I can barely comprehend the situation I’ve dug myself into. The editors, after concluding their weekly tryst, have packed up for the night. Suddenly, the realization dawns on me: If I want to get this article published, I’m going to have to break into the Golden Words office.

1:23am now. I’ve managed to cobble together a coat-hanger, some half-assembled LEGO Star Wars toys, and snagged a bag of brass knuckles from Campus Equipment Outfitters. Time to break in. First, I go up to the alarm panel. I take a deep breath. 6. 9. 6. 9. BEEEP. The alarm is disarmed and I slide onto the desktop login page faster than my mean sexual endurance time.

Shit shit, what is the password? “GoldenWords”? Nope, too obvious. “#GLL”? Not that either. One more try.. I type “ThePatriarchy” and suddenly I’m in. I’m moving quickly now, as who knows when a purple frosh will come up here to attempt XXX and spot me in a much graver act, who knows what-

Before I even finish that previous paragraph, my worst nightmares come true and awaken a deep desire in me. I hear footsteps.. I smell the thick indigo stench of gentian. “Hey frosh!” I say with a wink. They have the glimmer of Aphrodite in their eyes. Quick, I need to distract them to so they don’t get suspicious. I invite them into the office, it gets steamy. Sexual boundaries are redefined, an eternal flame is awoken within me.

We wrap up our office hours, and I punch out my great informative article. I look back at what I just wrote, fascinated. Sexuality, comedy, and journalism, all thrown into the mix. Only the informative shit, only the cold hard facts, delivering the laughs and the giggles, all day every day. I wrote an article about dicks, I did it. My opus, my artistic climax. This is my mission, my creed. Today, I punched out some great informative articles.