One of the most valuable lessons that university teaches students is that merit means absolutely jack shit. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. Your success is completely dependent on who you know and how well you sleep with them.
Don’t be a little bitch and act surprised. Fuck you. It’s true and, as university students, you get the opportunity to use sex to manipulate people into getting what you want. Like a baby bird taking flight for the first time, you can learn the ways of the world and take it by storm with your junk. Think of any successful person. I guarantee you that they had to fend off at least a couple dozen dicks to get to where they are today.
Your assignment isn’t actually a paper on the history of medieval crocheting, it’s actually how well you can seduce your TA. And how well you can give a hand job. The reality is that if you want a good mark, you’d better be ready to get freaky with it in ways you’re going to repress.
STEP 1: SEND THE SIGNALS
As the old Chinese proverb reads, ‘you’ve got to warm the oven before you bake the cookies’. This roughly translates to ‘you have to make sure you’re sending out indicators that you’re willing to seriously compromise your dignity for a couple extra percentage points on your assignment’. Start out small with acts like saying loudly in your tutorials or labs, “Man, you wouldn’t BELIEVE what I would do for a higher mark,” whilst rubbing your nipples. Also make an effort to eye-fuck your TA at any opportunity you get. If he or she quickly looks away uncomfortably at your wanting gaze, you’re absolutely doing it right and should keep pressing.
STEP 2: SEND MORE SIGNALS
Once you send the preliminary signals, you’re now ready to send even more signals. It’s time to be even more assertive and intrusive to get it in with your TA. Attach a tasteful nude of you posing with fruit to show your TA that you’re both sophisticated and DTF. Make an effort to eat dick-shaped food in front of your TA in tutorials or labs. Popsicles, hot dogs, bananas — any phallic food that will show your TA how well you can maneuver your mouth. If you get the opportunity, visit your TA’s office hours while wearing a Borat mankini. It will give you the chance to flaunt your god-like beer gut, and you don’t need me to tell you how unbelievably sexually irresistible a beer gut is.
STEP 3: STRIKE
Now is the time to prove yourself. At this stage you have made considerable advances to the point that your TA wants your hot body and is insatiably looking to sleep with you and give you amazing marks. I don’t need to explain how the mechanics work. In and out. It’s simple. You’ll figure it out. Just remember in and out, and try not to cry.
STEP 4: REAP THE RETURNS
Now sit back, relax, maybe consider getting an STD test, and watch your GPA rise before your eyes. When you call your parents, you won’t hear them sobbing on the other side of the phone when you explain to them that your shitty GPA is the best you can do. Going to your tutorials or labs might be unbearably awkward but it’s totally worth the orgasmic feeling of telling everyone that you did better than them on the last assignment.
Remember, there is absolutely no consequence to sleeping with your TA. I can’t think of any trouble you can get into for sexually engaging with an authority figure for personal gains. Everyone can agree that the exchange of sexual favours is the new status quo, and it is a foolproof, safe way of getting your business done.