In this modern age of fairness and social justice advocacy the issues that we men face on a day to day basis are often swept under the rug in order to bring the spotlight towards supposedly more important issues such as “making sure all children have access to primary education” and “ensuring that all Canadians are provided with clean and safe drinking water”. While you may think these issues are important it’s vital that you look beyond the narrow scope of your personal life experience and try to empathize with the daily struggle that men face every time they have to go and take a piss.
Imagine for a second that you are a man in our modern fast paced world. It’s 3 PM, you had lunch two and a half hours ago and you need to pee badly. You’ve been on your feet walking to class after class since 9 in the morning. You rise from your seat in the lecture hall and walk briskly to the bathroom. You enter and are faced with a decision, pee at the urinal at the expense of having to struggle to keep your exhausted body in a standing position for roughly 30 seconds, or use the stall, take some time to rest, and face endless ridicule from society at large. Nobody should be forced to make a decision under such a large amount of social pressure. It’s not like women are constantly being made to live up to standards based on arbitrary norms that make their lives more difficult than they would otherwise have to be. If they don’t have to suffer for social approval neither should we. I demand a revolution. An anti-urinal revolution.
For years the urinal has stood as a symbol of female oppression of the male sex. A constant reminder that women have implicit domain over the urinating habits of the penised sex. It sits on the walls of washrooms everywhere taunting us and letting us know that we are only one seated pee away from being totally emasculated. The urinal is a barbarous antiquated device designed to keep men down, but like other antiquated rites that create suffering such as having to wear clothes in public we as men are resigned to bear this burden, a “weighted man’s burden” if you will, the “weight” in this case being the weight of our dicks that we are forced to keep hovered in open air using only the power of our legs. This is a burden that we are prepared to suffer indefinitely but what we cannot abide is the increasingly popular support for the implementation of bathrooms that are not gender exclusive.
Now our protestation of gender neutral bathrooms is not borne of the zealotry felt by certain conservative pundits who feel as if the entire fabric of society will fall to pieces if someone takes a shit in the wrong room. No our issue comes from a much deeper place, a place which in men is a hotbed of such passion that there have been those have died in its name. We don’t want gender neutral bathrooms because we fucking hate waiting in lines.
Have you ever been to a sports game and gone to the washroom during an intermission? The men’s is a beautiful model of efficiency. No talking, no fucking around, just pissing, optional hand washing, and then leaving. All the while we watch the women wait in line only to miss the entire next period of play. It’s one thing to make us stand when we piss, but to take away the LAST BASTION OF PRIVILEGE we have in society would be a step too far. So please, let us have this, let us have our bathrooms, haven’t we sacrificed enough already?