OK – so I started writing this article under the assumption that most people have seen the most raved about rom-com on this side of the world: The Notebook. For those who haven’t, there is a scene in which Ryan Gosling harnesses the power of his love to turn himself into a majestic bird that fights crime with a laser made of his physical affection for his true love, Regina George. Trust me – watch this movie.
Anyways – let’s get a move on. We all know Ryan Gosling – the sweetheart of Canada, the true righteous leader of the free people, the most handsome heartthrob. The man has charisma, charm, style, and banging hot wife. He’s got a few world recognized awards and a general vibe of “I’m a chill and fun dude”. He has infamously claimed “If you were a bird, I would be a bird”. But let’s get the record straight. If Ryan Gosling is a fucking bird, I’m more like a fugly ass vole.
You may be wondering what, in all that is good and Gosling, is a fugly vole? I am so thrilled that you asked. I recently (see: 6 months ago) took the Pottermore Patronus test, a very scientific and accurate test that tells you what animal would shoot out of your wand tip when you fight the Dementors and rescue your crazy uncle Sirius from Azkaban. During this test, the Pottermore algorithm or gods or whatever decided that I would definitely shoot a sweet little vole out to fight the Dementors. Voles are relatives of mice, but are more round and small and have freaky ass molars. That is the description my friends use to describe me, and quite frankly, they aren’t really that far off.
Fast vole facts: voles are empathetic, monogamous, have a 6 month life span, and don’t fuck with inbreeding. These are also things that describe me! I am so lucky to be blessed with the virtues of the fugly vole. The only thing i would wish is that the vole were less hideous. I think that if everyone in your species is kind of fugly, it’s probably fine to be fugly and you’ll still get laid. But like, being a fugly vole IRL kind of makes for hard times when it comes to finding a man in my life, so if you know any other people with vole patronuses please have them email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Please I need this I am so goddamn fugly